Arby's

"Lights. Seen in the sky above the Arby’s. Not the glowing sign of Arby’s. Something higher, and beyond that. We know the difference. We’ve caught on to their game. We understand the “lights above Arby’s” game.
Invaders from another world.
Ladies and gentlemen, the future is here, and it’s about 100 feet above the Arby’s."
 - 'Welcome to Night Vale:  Episode 1 - Pilot'  -   *


690 Truman Blvd
Festus, Mo.
On the web.

This exercise was the result of a barrage of commercials boasting Arby's 'Smokehouse Pork Belly' sandwich. At first I quivered, then my man-brain started chanting 'big bacon, big bacon . . .'  Angel seemed curious as well. Angel's a very curious person, she likes trying out new things, LOTS of new things, some nice and pleasant, many too physically demanding and weird to repeat, ever, or even discuss openly again.
I was skeptical, but that's what I bring to nearly every party, rampant yet intensely articulate skepticism.
In a case like that, our two minds being of two or more minds, we like to have a backup plan. We discussed this and came up with what I just now mentally invented 'The Chinese Solution'.
Build your own buffet. Order a little of several things, some known, some unknown, bring it home, divide it up, voila! Buffet.
I would make the run, the nearest Arby's to our heavily fortified compound is, of course, in Festus, which is now four or more miles further away than it was a couple of months ago when they finally started to re-construct the crumbling little bridge between us and higher civilization.
I left early to make a couple of utility stops, Lowes for some more succulents (a new, drought resistant, hobby of ours.) and PetSmart for a siphon hose, which they did not have, and three, fourteen cent gold fish. The fish were for our only standing aquarium. (in Maryland we had as many as 28 active aquariums). Our one remaining goldfish, Dowager, has been seeming quite listless since the last of her companions were summoned to Jesus. Even the algae eater that acts as Dowager's housekeeper, seemed to be bored. So we thought an infusion of youth and vigor might be just the kick in the dorsal fin she needs. These three 'comets' were only fourteen cents apiece, as opposed to the two or three buck goldfish at Walmart, because people tend to buy large quantities of these rather simple and plain fish to use as feeders for even larger fish. I told the lady serving them up that I was rescuing these, that they would be free to romp and play for however long they wish, up until the blue, swirling waters of goldfish heaven spirit them away from their mortal coils.

The Place:
At the end of Highway A, at 61/67 in Festus. Too vague?  It's in front of Walmart. There, is that better?
The three new fish swam in a small bag in the passenger seat, not seeming to mind the ride much, but not overly enthused either. I tried to come up with names for them, I tried Huey, Dewey and Louie, but that seemed too dated. Shem, Ham and Japheth popped into my head, but that seemed even more dated, so I abandoned the idea.
The short drive from the pet supply store to Arby's was short and uneventful. I parked, glanced around, took a full pull of cool-ish autumn air, girded my loins (to pull up and tie one's lower garments between one's legs to increase one's mobility) and headed in. Looking above the tall sign, I detected no lights hovering one hundred feet above it. I didn't know what to make of this. Were we not worthy?
Hardly any customers, so I took a head count. There were exactly zero other customers in the place, fewer than I'd originally thought.
I had the order mostly figured out, Angel had crafted a list but I wanted to put my mark on it so she wouldn't think I hadn't given it any thought whatsoever (which is the actual case). Being the sole patron, I took my time. I told the patient lady behind the counter to prepare herself for real work, the order would be complex and full of mind blowing twists and turns.
The Food:
One each:
Smokehouse Pork Belly
Smokehouse Brisket
Sliders:
Chicken
Roast Beef
Corned Beef
Sides:
Onion Rings
Potato Cake
Curly Fries

Pork Belly

Angel had told me to make sure to get Horsey Sauce. I'm not sure what exactly Horsey Sauce is, but I was hoping for her sake that it was not made from actual horses.
I spat out my order to the young, patient lady. She reacted like a pro, pushing single function buttons on her POS terminal (for sake of this post, POS stands for 'Point of sale', not the profane phrase I usually employ the acronym for.). She didn't miss a beat, she punched those buttons like George Jetson himself.
The tab came to forty something dollars, as I recall, I wasn't really paying attention. I swiped the POS slot and stepped back to welcome the thanks I so richly deserved. She asked my name, I showed her my passport, birth certificate and Radio Shack 'Battery of the Month' card. My papers were in order, in fact a little too in order, she just wanted to know whom to call when the order was ready. My bad, I get stopped and interrogated a lot, so I'm always prepared.
It didn't take so very long. Being the only customer has that as an advantage. She was bundling up the last item when she stopped, looked into the bag and pulled something out and threw it away. "Fix another Corned Beef Slider Rex!" She called to the back. This made me wonder what exactly can go so wrong with a corned beef slider that renders it completely and immediately unworthy to give to a customer.

Brisket

While waiting for the new and improved slider, another lady tried bundling the bundles into a slightly undersized plastic bag. It was a clumsy attempt, I feared crushed food. I gently pulled the bag away from her without punching her or calling  her vile names, because I'm a gentleman. I really was afraid she was going to get too frustrated with her task and blow a gasket, or crush my curly fries, which is worse.
The drive home was again, uneventful. This was fine and perfectly fitting, since I'd already decided to try to have an uneventful weekend. On Friday I about lost it when young Tim, a co-worker, said "Have a great weekend!" as I was leaving. "Stop ordering me around!" I screamed back. A 'great' weekend usually involves energy, effort and goals, I wanted absolutely none of that noise.
I handed off the bulging, undersized bag to Angel, she had met me at the door. Meeting me at the door is usually the thing one or more dogs do, but it was Rudy time and he always runs away when anyone comes to the door. Rudy has some comical fear issues. That's why we love him, his weaknesses and fears make us laugh.
She tore open the boxes and bags and lined the food up for the photo shoot. I snapped away, turning and poking and peeling away at the comestibles, to make them a little more photogenic. I reviewed the photos as Angel dutifully pulled out some plates and knives and started slicing everything, small portion, sample size.

Sliders

Our score card:
Pork Belly. I tried this first while the taste buds were still fresh and dusty. I did not care for what they were awakened to. I had imagined it to be bacon-y or salty, but what I got was a sickly sweet, greasy bite.
The sandwich was billed as having barbecue sauce, but this taste profile was mustard-y and too sweet. I could not really taste the meat itself, just the icky sauce.
Angel didn't mind it as much, but she added that she'd probably not want to eat a whole sandwich of it because of the sweetness.
Brisket. I thought this to be a vast improvement over the pork. Slightly smoky, much less intense, though Angel called it 'smoky, but bland'.
The sliders were all problematic in a specific way. The bread to protein ratio. Both of us started popping them open and plucking the meat. Way too much bread. Angel referred to the chicken version as 'A chicken nugget pasted to a bun' and 'a waste of money'.  It did look like that. The meats, especially the new and improved corned beef were quite okay, but it was really hard to be sure since there was only about a teaspoon of meat on each of the sliders.
The Sides:

The sides.

Angel liked the onion rings. I liked the taste okay, the subtle sweetness of the onion came through, but thought the breading was too thick.
Curly fries are curly fries, neither of us prefer them over normal fries. They tend to clump up in the fryer and have greasy and gooey spots. As far as curly fries go though, they were okay.
The huge fail here was the potato cake. Angel said they were too breakfast-y, as if that were an actual thing, but I got the idea, too much like those hash brown patties you get at fast food drive-in's. I was upset when I discovered there was no frosting or candles on my potato cake. That would have been nostalgic for me. I used to get a potato cake for every birthday. . . hang on, an internal memory error has occurred. . . . . . .  Oh, I remember now, I used to get a potato for my birthday. I was not my parents' favorite child. I'm over it now.  
Summary;
As I sit here typing away, listening to some smooth jazz  about three hours after that meal, my tummy is still queasy. It's a fried fast food thing with me. This stuff makes me sick. It's a cosmically high price I pay to inform you, my fickle fan base. I'm just not sure you are worth the agony anymore, you don't call, you don't write . . .
The service was good, the place was clean, though I'm still curious as to what went wrong with the original corned beef slider. . .  Maybe I don't want to know.
In a nutshell, I will not be making that trek to Arby's again anytime soon. Nothing, especially the star attraction Pork Belly even rose to a rank of 'pretty good'. Later, we were talking about it again, Angel said the only thing she would go back to Arby's for was the good ol' original roast beef. "They should stick to what they do best."
But you shouldn't take my word for it when it comes to fast food anymore, since it makes me sick and everything. I just can't take it anymore.

"We understand the lights. We understand the lights above the Arby’s. We understand so much.
But the sky behind those lights – mostly void, partially stars? That sky reminds us we don’t understand even more."
 - 'Welcome to Night Vale: Episode 25 - One year later' - 



* 'Welcome to Night Vale' is a podcast.  I have been reading/listening to it for about a year. As with most things new and interesting I discover, I first heard about it on NPR during my long, dismal commute.
It's certainly not for everyone.
Back when I was working toward a graduate degree in educational psychology with the University of Southern California (true story) one of the professors (a real 80's California Psychologist) offered an evaluation of each of us in the class after several weeks of classwork and discussions. She came to me, I didn't expect much, since in this class, as with almost every 'group' activity I'm ever involved with, I pretty much sat quietly in the back, avoiding eye contact and chit-chat.
"Dennis, you are a divergent thinker."
I politely thanked her, then rushed home to look up the word 'divergent'. It simply means 'different'. Apparently the professional analysis concluded that I don't think the same way other people do. This pleased me greatly. I'm not unique at all, many, many people can also be considered 'divergent thinkers', just not all in the same way.
Things that appeal to me seem to fall above, under or to either side of 'average'. You well know by now that I do not follow sports, any of them, and that I listen to music, hardly at all. So that opens up a little cerebral real estate that is often filled in with anxiety, trivia, anxiety, curiosity and anxiety.
Anyway, wordplay, sentences and phrasing also often delight me, along with a boatload of divergent - style thinking. That's what hooked me on Night Vale.
Night Vale's podcasts are presented as WTNV radio broadcasts. Cecil reads about current events, community groups, disasters, public service announcements, etc.
In a desert town in the southwest where odd matters of time, physics and metaphysics intersect, but are not quite in a way we regular people in the real world understand them.  "Time doesn't work in Night Vale"
No dogs are allowed in the dog park, no people either, you may see hooded figures in the dog park. Tell no one, drink to forget. The Sheriff's Secret Police are watching you, always, everywhere, for your protection and they hardly ever kidnap children.
"All hail the glow cloud!", a giant inexplicable glowing cloud that also is a member of the PTA.
Libraries are dangerous and scary, and only actually contain a couple of books anyhow, one being an autobiography of Helen Hunt.

From Episode 15:
Welcome to Night Vale.
Ladies, gentlemen, you. Today is Street Cleaning Day.
Please remain calm!
Street Cleaners will be upon us quite soon. We have little time to prepare.
Please remain calm!
The City Council has issued a statement in 20-point all-caps type saying:
RUN! RUN! FORGET YOUR CHILDREN AND LEAVE BEHIND THE WEAK! RUN!

Probably not everyone's cup of tea, but for totally indecipherable reasons, it appeals to me greatly. I now follow a few NV groups, bought the book, etc. These people think differently.

The Sammich Shack

10910 Hwy 21
Hillsboro, Mo.

Leon's Prime Cuts/Sammich Shack Facebook page.


I saw this place around the first of the year. A simple roadside sign, red painted on white. Another one, similar, was mounted to the roof of a small camping trailer in a parking lot, just south of the intersection of Highway 21 and Highway B.
I looked it up on the web later, didn't find it. I searched Facebook and found comments referring to it on Leon's Prime Cuts page. Yup, there it was, menu and everything.
So for the next couple of weeks, I tried to find a good time to stop

by. On this Saturday morning I was up and out well before noon, which for me is kind of unusual. I was heading to Desoto to try to grab some photos, for historical purposes, of the Ball Creek Bowling Alley. Or should I say the former bowling alley, it burned down earlier in the week. I'd never actually been to the pin den, but I do pass by it nearly every week.  I knew The Shack didn't open until 11, so I got the pictures, turned around and headed back to Hillsboro, getting there around five minutes past. Good enough. They had just turned on the 'OPEN' light, the window opened as I approached. A cheery young lady, Terra, greeted me. I scanned the white board menu.
The Food:
"Excuse me, what are Party Girl Potatoes?" I asked. I heard potatoes covered in cheese, she may have said something else, but she had me at potatoes covered in cheese.
The menu was pretty simple, I liked that. Pulled pork, brisket, ribs and burgers. Other sides were chips and 'Ho-Made Slaw'. I like slaw but I prefer it to be made by food service professionals, rather than. . . you know. . .
I asked for a burger with cheese, the prostitute potatoes, a bottle of water and a quarter slab of ribs to take home to Angel. She's a better judge of that sort of thing. I will eat ribs, but usually only if that's the only meat choice.
Terra told me that it would take a few minutes and that she'd bring it out to me when it was ready. No problem, I spend a lot of time in my car so I keep it pretty stocked with provisions. By that I mean books. So I sat there in the lot, reading and listening to the Tappet Brothers on St. Louis Public Radio. I also thought about where I would actually eat my lunch. There were no picnic tables, not that it mattered, it was twenty nine degrees outside. I'd eat in the car.
Before long Terra came out of the trailer hauling a plastic bag and came toward me. I lowered the window and thanked her, then drove to my favorite place in town to dine in my car, the Hillsboro Cemetery.
Long time fans will recall that I have hobbies other than griping about restaurant food. I visit cemeteries and photograph them, for the site 'findagrave' for the past six years and for the Jefferson County Historical Society for the past year, since they lowered their admission standards and let me join. I do other things for them as well, like  photographing every church in the county, but my heart always pulls me toward cemeteries.

Cemeteries are a great place for a quick lunch in the car. Quiet, peaceful, most often there is no one else there.  Well, living people anyhow and the dead ones don't seem to mind my frequent visits.
So I opened it all up, and it was good. It was what I call a diner style burger. Thin patty, standard bun, lettuce, pickle and onions off to the side. I also found a little tub of Baby Ray's Barbecue Sauce. I threw all that together and bit in. Yummy! A good, old fashioned, peppery griddle burger.
Most of the upscale burger and steak places feel the need to put a half pound of beef on a burger. I don't care for that. Give me a thin patty and I'm good. If I'm still hungry, I can get another one. I could eat this thing with one hand and get my mouth around it without popping my jaw.
I tested the Party Girl Potatoes. I was not disappointed. Exactly as advertised, cubed potatoes

slathered in melty cheddar cheese. This portion was not huge either. When I was finished, I was satisfied, not bloated. I finished up my meal and another chapter and left for my other errands.
When I got home later I presented the ribs to Angel.
"That's a good sign." she said pulling the meat of the bone. "It fell right off." This was referring to a place we didn't review a couple of weeks ago. The ribs there put up a fight. It took utensils to tear the meat off the bone. Angel likes it to basically fall apart at the touch.
"Quite nice." she said after a mouthful.
Summary:

All good. Seriously, all good. The food was first rate, not overthought or frilly. A good burger, nice side, all prepared simply and properly. Terra was a delight, funny, helpful and thoughtful. The bill, for the burger and side, the 1/4 slab of ribs and a bottle of water was pocket change over ten dollars. Nothing to complain about there either.
I don't know what the long term plans are for The Sammich Shop, but I sure hope it stays around for a long while. In my opinion, because they kept it simple and light, this is the best burger in Hillsboro.  Certainly better than any of the fast food outlets, but also better than a couple of other places in town that I will not name here. (Locals will figure it out, there's not that many places to get a burger in town.)
They've only been open since the first of the year, I really, really hope they do well. We need decent places to grab a quick meal, especially if we plan to dine in the car in a cemetery with a good book.

Kettelhut's Smokehouse

1267 N. Truman Blvd.
Crystal City Mo.
On the Interwebs
Facebook

We were looking for recommendations for a good fish taco. Two conditions apply. Jefferson County, excluding Arnold and no fast food joints.
The only places mentioned so far, Taytro's and La Pachanga, there were problems with. Taytro's only has them on their lunch menu and we didn't really care for any thing else at La Pachanga.
So we didn't even try, Angel made a last minute call.
The Place:
Just opened up last September, we reviewed it the first weekend after that. As is the standard for a new place, we made note of some issues to follow up on. I don't care who you are, the first few weeks open is going to have issues. Service especially, the team hasn't had time to work out the kinks. That was several months before this trip, they've had plenty of time to get their act together.
I also told Angel and Adam what they'd ordered on that first trip. More about that later.
Kettelhut's is decorated in a theme of Memphis Blues. There are 'Beale Street' signs, photos of blues musicians and wall decor of saxophones, guitars, etc. The overhead music is all blues, all the time. I like this type of music better than some others, but I can't say I want to hear a lot of it. To me, it gets a bit repetitious after a while. It was tolerable for the time we were there though.
We were seated in a booth, remarkably the same booth as the first time from what I recalled from the wall decor above us.
Abby came by and introduced herself and took our drink order. She seemed nice. Tea, tea and Pepsi.
The Food.
I decided pretty quickly, a simple pulled pork sandwich. Nothing fancy. I sided it with baked beans and fries, almost as an afterthought. We'd had their 'Fried Taters and Onions' on the first trip, I'd mentioned that I didn't like thick cut fried potatoes, so I decided against them this time.
When Abby returned we were ready to order. Angel disappointed us by ordering the same thing she had the first time. I encourage the family to mix it up a little from time to time. But since I'd told her what she had the first time she just replied to my sigh with a "It sounded pretty good when you told me."
So she asked for a 2-fer, ribs and chicken, sided with cucumber salad and fried corn on the cob.
Gratefully, Adam shifted gears and ordered the BBQ Nachos, which are available as an appetizer or a meal.

I checked the time. On the first trip there had been a significant time delay between ordering and service, this is one of the things I was looking for.
The thing about a smokehouse is that there just shouldn't be a long wait. Everything's already made. Big batches of sides, slow cooked meats already cooked. . .
They did not disappoint, less than ten minutes. They also got all the orders right. So far, so good.
I was a little surprised by the amount of fries. My plate looked more like a French fry meal with side of beans and a sandwich. Too many fries is hardly a crime though. I just thought they overshadowed the main event and there was certainly more than I'd ever be able to finish, especially seeing that they'd been a tad over-salted.
The beans looked impressive. Nice and dark. There was more bean juice than I usually care for. The taste was outstanding though. This wasn't baked beans from a can, these were slow cooked, in house, with a hint of molasses. Mmmm
There was more meat on the sandwich that I originally thought. They'd piled it on quite generously. I tasted a sliver, definitely smoky, but a bit dry. That's what all the bottles of sauces were for. I chose two sauces, a sweet one and one called 'Pappa's Pride' which I highly recommend. A little sweet but less so than many bottled brands.
The fries were pretty good, but a little too salty and way, way too many of them.
Angel plowed through her meats like a Jurassic raptor. (BTW, the raptors in that movie were

modeled after cretaceous period dinosaurs, not Jurassic.) She claimed that the chicken was nice and crispy with a moist and tender interior. The ribs, tender and meaty. The corn, surprisingly wasn't dry from being fried. The 'toast' was barely toast. Cooked on one side only and barely buttered. "I think I OD'd on meat." she said.
Adam's nachos were "pretty good" though he added that there was too much cheese. . . as if such a thing were possible.
Abby kept the drinks refilled and processed the bill quickly.
Summary:
Frankly, we were impressed and quite satisfied. All the original, startup issues had been resolved. The food was good, the service, by that I mean Abby, was top notch, the tables were being cleaned promptly, orders were correct and served in a timely manner. . .
All for forty bucks.
Yeah, pretty much no significant complaints. It's good to see a local business do well, I hope they are here to stay.

Savannah's Smokehouse

122 S. Main
Desoto, Mo.
On Facebook
On the web

We'd been eagerly awaiting the opening of this place. I'd been 'following' it on social media for several months. They often posted pics of the meat prep and testing, it looked awesome.
They've been open a couple of weeks, so they get the 'newbe' treatment. I can overlook a few things when a place first opens, I'll make note of it, for comparison purposes, for the next visit.
The Place:
Main Street Desoto, pretty much across the tracks from the big Arlington House B&B. (You can even see the Inn's's reflection under the 'N' in the picture of the storefront window.) I love Main Street, they do a very good job of keeping this historic and quaint, track sided street in good shape.
Savannah's occupies one of the old storefronts. There are several nice eateries along this street, as well as free standing, single screen movie theater.
The place looked nice on the inside, freshly painted walls, nice, oaky floors.

The tables were topped with red and white checkered tablecloths. Each table was stocked with rolls of paper towels and several squeeze bottles of barbecue sauce.
There was no one working the front, so we took the hint and went to the counter in the back.
Sure enough, it's a 'take your order' deal.
There were several guys working behind the counter, stripping and boxing and plating meat and sides. I'd been looking at the menu online since they first posted  it, I did not struggle with what to order.
The Food:
Pulled pork, mac and cheese and baked beans for me.
Angel asked for a half chicken with coleslaw and macaroni. Adam, bold and daring as he is, took the brisket and the same sides as me.
A pretty good sampling, we've done this before.

We were handed Styrofoam cups, like the kind you get at a church dinner. Not my favorite drink media. We paid up and set out for the drink dispensary. A simple multi spigot + ice repository for sodas and a big thermos container with buttons to select from three kinds of tea, sweet, unsweet and for some odd reason, raspberry. I chose the un-sweet. Angel got tea as well, though I didn't notice which kind, certainly not raspberry, I'd divorce her for an atrocity like that.
There were free tables all around, standard sized in the middle of the floor and high, bistro style tables along the wall. We chose bistro. Yeah, we can be hipsters too at times.
Behind me was a wall mounted speaker throwing out some righteous REO Speedwagon. That was pretty much the last of the tolerable music though, it turned out to be a radio station that soon switched to some harder hitting dance beats. Dance beats are fine if you are dancing, but a bit too pounding for quiet dining.
It wasn't long before our order was called, Adam and I grabbed the trays.
Well it looked pretty good. The meat, especially. Angel's half bird was the most impressive in appearance, dark, very dark dry rub completely covered the expired chickens flesh.
My pork and Adam's brisket looked exactly like it should. The taste would tell.
First things first though, try the sauces. There were several available, Classic, Carolina, 'Sassy' and Chocolate Chili. . . wait, what?
I'm not one of those so-called TV food experts. I don't think everything is better with chocolate, or chili peppers. . . the thought of those things together then doused over smoky meat, well my mental impression told me that it would taste a lot like 'Nope'.

BBQ Sauce Analysis:
Classic: Yup, just as expected.
Carolina: heavier on the vinegar, but not bad.
Sassy: It tasted like they peppered it up as well, not bad, just not really my thing.
Choco-Chili: Nope, didn't try it.
I ended up sloshing some classic over my pile of meat.
Adam came back with tableware.
The Styrofoam cup should have served as an omen. Bargain basement disposable items. The forks were small and flimsy, not even as stout as you'd find at a church social. More like you'd pick up at the $ store and pass out at a kids fourth birthday party. If we were having sheet cake it would probably be fine, but we would be ripping through flesh and muscle.
As for the meat. We all shared a little with each other, without anyone prompting to do so, like I said, we've been doing this for a while.
Before I rattle off a few more minor 'observations' let me say this, boldly and loudly. This is the

headline: The meat, every bit of it was very near to, or absolutely perfect. Nailed it!
The chicken was tender, moist and smoky. The pork was hearty and moist. The brisket was some of the finest I've had in a while. I could easily see what had been the main focus of this new place.
So keep that in mind as I must now deal with some more minor issues.
The mac and cheese was disappointing. The taste was good, but the cheese sauce had hardened. Half a dozen rigidly connected elbows came up in every flimsy fork full. I even had to cut some fork fulls to fit into my dainty, but handsome mouth. Not a petty task with a fork that could barely stand up under its own piddling weight. This can be fixed, they've got the taste right. Angel picked up on the problem with the macaroni as well, without my even mentioning it.

The beans were as good as any good canned baked bean. That's neither good or bad unto itself, I like a good canned baked bean. In my mind though, this is a smokehouse. Expectations for the baked beans are going to be a little higher.
The slaw was exceptionally good though, Nailed that as well. Angel pronounced it, I concurred. Creamy, fresh, not thin and sour.
See, that wasn't so bad. . . Oh, then there's the toast. Though to call it toast is a stretch. You know the dial on a toaster? The one with the color strip that goes from beige to yellow to dark orange? Well, they might want to turn it up, quite a bit. There was hardly any crunch on the thick bread. But that can be easily fixed too.
So we ate away, very happy with the meats, less so with the lackluster sides.
The meat portion was excellent. We took a little chicken and pork home, but not much. Breakfast for me would be pork and eggs. . . Mmm. I might even bite open a can of baked beans, jack them up a little with bell pepper and onion, maybe a few crumbles of bacon or breakfast sausage. . . Getting the idea?
Summary:
Maybe the customers will be okay with pale toast, generic beans, clumpy macaroni, Styrofoam cups

and wafer-thin forks. Maybe, but I really think they'd like a little better.
But the meat. Oh, that meat was exceptional! Unfortunately the sides sort of knocked some wind out of it, as a whole meal.
The bill came in just under forty five dollars. Not bad for first class smoky meat. A tad high for forks and cups that aren't even as good quality as Taco Bell hands out. It's a new place, so I'm going to assume that so much time, effort and $$$ went in to opening up the place that some things were sacrificed. I really hope so. With really minor changes like that, this place could soar.
Go for the meat. Seriously, it's very good.

Kettelhut's Smokehouse

1267 N. Truman Blvd.
Crystal City Mo.
On the Interwebs
Facebook

Kettelhut's Smokehouse finally opened Tuesday. Yeah, just four days before the entire Eat and Critique staff invaded it.
We'd read about this place 'coming soon' a few months back in the local weekly, The Jefferson Leader. I soon noticed a Facebook page, subscribed to it, and started getting periodic updates and finally the 'Now Open' announcement. The early reviews were positive, perhaps a void was filled at last.
The Place:

Located on Truman Blvd, across the road from the Quonset  Lanes, a bowling alley I've never been in, and Poppy's Ristorante, which I have.
This building, for as long as I can recall, housed a Mexican joint named Cinco De Mayo, which translated by my online translation site means "Five The Mayo". We'd seen it but never ate there. I was afraid it would not be very good based entirely on our observation that its parking lot was nearly empty on every Saturday night we went by it. That's never a good sign. If a place that serves Mexican food and alcohol can't at least half fill a parking lot on Saturday night, it has a significant problem. Contrary to popular rumors, I do not seek out bad restaurants just to kick them when they are down. Unless of course, they're a fast food franchise. Those places ought to be sought out and exposed, with prejudice and impunity.
But a local joint? No, I let them be. There was a restaurant with a certain reputation in Hillsboro for the first few years of this endeavor. We deliberately went out of our way to not go there. They finally went out of business, a new place opened up in that location and  I've had the opportunity to eat there and write positive things about it.
Kettelhut's, derives its name from the owner, Jeff Kettelhut, and not from Kettle and/or Hut. Though if he ever wants to open a tea house, he's set.
When we arrived, early we thought, at just before five P.M, the parking lot was surprisingly crowded. We squeezed the family truckster into a tight spot. We opened the door to see nearly every table filled. Even the bar was crowded.

They'd done a pretty good job of cleaning it up and decorating it. The first thing I noticed though was the overhead music. Old school blues. Perfect. On the walls were a few, but not too many relics and artifacts of music, photos of blues musicians mostly, and on the back wall, decorative saxophone and guitar art pieces.
Tasteful. The bar was separated from the dining area by half-wall, half iron work dividers. There were four or five tall bistro tables in the bar area.
The floors were a terracotta (which translates to 'land  surplice' which doesn't make any sense whatsoever) tile, the walls were texture painted a burnt brick red. The ceilings, standard white ceiling tiles.
The dining area had black steel chairs covered in lavender, the tables topped with red and white checked vinyl. Along the back walls, the booths also had those table cloths, but the bench seats were glossy lacquered wood slats.
That's where we were led to a booth in the back under the sax and guitar art.
We were handed menus.
The Food:

A simple, complete menu, filled with exactly what we wanted, smokey meats. We've reviewed several smokehouses and you'll recall that every time we do we compare it to our former favorite, Bandana's in Festus. It, almost ironically, burned down a couple of years ago. They've not rebuilt. There's a few other BBQ's and smokehouses in the area, and they are all pretty good. But there's still that void.
As with the other places, we decided to diversify, to get as many of the offerings between us as we could. This is not difficult because like at most any smokehouse/BBQ, they offered several things we like.
After having our drinks delivered, un-sweet tea with no sugar, sweet tea and Pepsi, we were ready to order. Our server did not have a name tag on her titular tee shirt. (Large cartoon pig on the back wearing old school sunglasses with a toothpick in its mouth, under the words 'Kettelhut's Smokehouse') I'll refer to her as 'Loren'. She looked eager and happy, but a little harried. I understood, there were about a dozen titular tee-shirted ladies scurrying about in the full dining room.
We placed our order. We'd all decided on a 'Pick-Two' plate, two meats, two sides, Texas toast.
I chose brisket and pulled pork with 'Bobbie's Coleslaw' and fried taters and onions. Angel, drumsticks and ribs with cucumber salad and the taters and onions. Adam struggled most, decided on pulled turkey and chicken with baked beans and fries.
A pretty good spread, covering most of the offerings.
I asked Loren if they had mac and cheese. No.
The last BBQ place we visited a few weeks ago said no as well, it was 'out of season' they had said. I didn't believe them since I know a thing or two about food production and I recently discovered that macaroni does not grow from a plant or tree, it is actually nothing more than flour and water. Macaroni does not have a season like peaches, strawberries and hockey. Why Kettelhut's doesn't offer mac and cheese, the absolute perfect side for smokey meats, is beyond my comprehension. Perhaps the instructions on the back of the Kraft box are simply too complicated for the kitchen staff.
Loren scooted off and we waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Did I mention that the place was packed when we got there? By this time there was a line forming out the door. Not a lot of food was being brought out.
Did I also mention that the place had only been open four days?
I didn't mind the wait, I pretty much expected it. The kitchen and staff had only been working live customers for less than a week. This was their first weekend working together. Smokey meat is a slow process, hours and hours go into cooking the stuff. The place was packed, line forming.
In other words, I'm not going to ding the joint for the long lull between ordering and receiving the order. I give a lot of leeway for a brand new place, a lot. Of course there will be mix- ups, mistakes, inconsistencies, etc. We were here to try the food and establish a baseline for a future visit. Make note of those inconsistencies and errors? Sure, but only to see if the kinks are eventually worked out, the flow gets smoother.
Adam and Angel played with their e-devices, I could have, but chose not to. I was watching the people, the staff, the flow. I noticed a street sign on one wall. 'Beale St.' it said. Why a blues-themed smokehouse would have a sign for a side street in tiny (pop. 900) Downs, Kansas, I could not understand.
After about fifteen minutes I heard a server at the table behind us apologize to the family there and explain something about the kitchen staff working as fast as they could. Those people didn't seem to mind either.

Ribs and Drum sticks

A few minutes later Loren stopped by and did the same thing. I told her "Not a problem, you just opened, I understand."
She thanked me for that and smiled.
We saw one couple leave. Impatient I guess. Pretty much everyone else stayed tough.
By my measure, the food arrived in forty five minutes. Yeah, a long time for a casual place that serves pre-prepaired meats and batch sides, but hardly a blink in the cosmic amount of wait time in those those fancy places that I've been to in NYC and L.A, etc. You could check in and can get to your seat on a commercial flight faster than those places can serve a $90 lettuce leaf with an ounce of raw fish on it.
But the food finally did arrive. Adam had to choose something beside pulled turkey, they had run out, so he picked beef. That was okay, smokehouses are going to run out of things on busy days.

Beef and Turkey

They had put the cucumber salad on my plate and the slaw on Angel's, minor gaffe, like I said, expected in a new place. That was as bad as it got though.
The taters were chopped large, maybe too large, most of them had to be cut into two or three pieces. Kind of skimpy on the onions too. I could taste their influence but did not see many.
I started to cut my brisket with my knife then realized I didn't have to. It was as tender a piece of meat as I'd had anywhere. And moist. Bandana's brisket always seemed dry to me, unless you slathered it in sauce.
Kettelhut's had house-made sauces as well, we had tried them and decided which ones we favored. I put a little of the Carolina sauce on my pork and brisket, but not as much as I would have at Bandana's.
Angel tore apart and offered me a a tiny sliver of rib meat. I'm not a big rib guy, but this was pretty tasty.

Brisket and Pulled Pork

The slaw was sweet and creamy, I was happy with it. Some places serve a more vinegar-y version, I prefer sweet.
The toast was thick, but a bit chewy. Probably the bread they use. A little dense for me to accompany a full plate of food.
And they were full plates. The servings were ample.
The smokiness of the meat was more subtle than other places, but it was all moist and tender.
Angel was happy that her rib meat fell off the bone, she likes it that way. That last place we went to, it didn't. Her cucumber salad tasted like bread and butter pickle, except with fresh, not saturated cucumbers. She likes bread and butter pickles, I don't, I rather just have bread and butter. Adam's beef was a little too high in the fat vs. lean ratio about 40/60. He left behind a lot of the fat, I would have too. Meat fat is like porn, a little goes a long way, too much is just gross.
Summary:
Not bad, not bad at all. What I observed for followup: The long wait. I assume that once the place has been open for a while they'll get this better figured out. No one could have expected an overflowing house the first weekend it was open. Hoped for it? Dreamed for it? Sure.
The place seemed to be well staffed. I saw at least a dozen workers on the floor. They all seemed to be enjoying themselves and treated the customers kindly and attentively. The serving issues, the mixed sides, the too-long between drink refills, that's standard, expected stuff for a new staff.
Overall we were very pleased with the service, Loren was very good.
As for the food.
The potatoes were too thick. Thick fried taters are a little too starchy on the inside. A smaller dice and more onions would be great. They were not too greasy at all.
The meats were good, as I mentioned, the smokiness was there but subtle. I know that the smokey taste varies depending on the type of wood used. Maybe a little different blend? More fruit woods? I'm no expert. I only know what my brother tells me, he's been smoking meat for decades.
The too-fatty beef plate is something to watch out for.
There was nothing that we didn't like at least a little. Nothing really stood out as a signature offering though. Perhaps one will after a while.
The place looked great and the music was awesome. The atmosphere was casual, warm and friendly. The price was a bit on the high side, fifty eight bucks, but that was partially because we all opted for the two-fer plate.
The tea? Not awful... it could use some freshening up though.
The web site is sparse, no menu or detailed information yet. The Facebook page is pretty good, but once again no menu.
Overall a satisfying experience. A few tweaks and this place could hold on to the standing room only experience it had this first Saturday night in operation.
We at Eat and Critique extend to Jeff and his crew good luck and thumbs up!
Recommended!

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A shout out to the sisterhood!
 This week I was invited and accepted as the first male member of the Missouri Women Bloggers network.
Stop giggling about 'first male member'.
Seriously, I'm delighted to join the gals in working together, perhaps meeting up with them sometime, to offer support and encouragement in this shared endeavor, to inform and entertain bored people at work when their boss isn't watching.

Main Street BBQ

1620 Highway Z
Pevely, Mo.
On the Web
On Facebook


The Place:
Just East of I-55 In Pevely. Big sign, you can't miss it.
I saw this on their Facebook page:
FACEBOOK FAN APPRECIATION DAYS!!! Show us this post on your mobile device, or print at home like a coupon and we'll take 10% off any order today and tomorrow. PLUS, we'll give you a FREE bottle of sauce with any order $20 or more (pre tax, pre discount). WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Leave a comment about your favorite Main Street item and three random folks will win t- shirts! 
Unfortunately I saw it after we were there, not before.
Which leads us to today's tech tip:  If you are going out to eat, fancy or simple, check the social media sites before you go. This sort of offer is not unusual for places that are social-media-savvy.
When you step in to MSBBQ you immediately encounter the counter. On the front of it is the menu in big red letters painted on white boards. There are also printed paper menus and some places to sit for a while to figure it out if you're not familiar with the offerings. We'd been there a couple of times before, but not recently, so it took us only a few minutes.
The Food:
I knew they made good meat, very good in most cases, but I was on a mission. I'd looked at the online menu earlier in the week and had decided to step off the comfy smoked meat grid. I ordered a bowl of 'Beef Brisket and pulled pork Chili', with cheese and onions.
Angel asked for the half chicken plate, BBQ style. I reused my brilliant joke about whether she preferred the front half or the back half of the bird. She sided hers with red potato salad and corn, cob-style. Adam ordered the Main Street Special, brisket, with kettle chips and baked beans. We paid up, were handed our cups and I poured my 'fresh brewed' tea. (more on this later). Angel took a taste of the sweet tea then stepped over to the Dr. Pepper. Adam poured, to no one's surprise, Pepsi.
Since the meat is already slow cooked and just needs to be plated, the wait for the food was pretty short. My chili arrived first.They served it with two packages of oyster crackers and two wedges of Texas toast. I don't like oysters so I didn't even open the crackers.*
I stirred the cheese and onions into the nearly overflowing soup. It was chunky, quite chunky. Beans, meat chunks, tomatoes in good quantity. Once I decided it had had enough time to cool a little I took a sip of the broth.
Savory, smoky, meaty.
Usually chili is made with ground beef. I have had it with other proteins though.  Many years ago I was stationed in Northern Japan and was invited to be on the judging panel for a chili contest, sponsored by none other than the base's quite sizable Hispanic Club.
Oh baby, there was some variety there. Deer meat, tofu, fish, foul, pork and beef of all cuts. I recall that as a fact, not as a taste though. The Hispanic club chefs as a rule, were very generous with the various chili peppers, that I remember well. I think I belched and burnt internally for several days afterward.
Since then I've left competitive chili making behind. I prefer a milder mix. I don't mind loosening my sinuses or breaking a little brow sweat, but the idea of making it so hot that it should be registered as a weapon of mass indigestion I simply don't find appetizing. The broth in MSBBQ's chili was just about right in that regard.
Angel's luscious plate arrived. I bore the heavily sauced and slightly charred starboard side of a chicken. Small bowls held the potatoes and the corn, there was also some fancy cut pickles and Texas toast. I tasted a little of the chicken. The meat was very juicy, tender and perfectly cooked. I also stabbed a small bit of potato. It was creamy and I detected a hint of dill, I liked that. I used to take new potatoes and boil them in water along with a head of dill. It gives them a bright, fresh, earthy taste. Angel threw herself into her meal with the usual gusto. Adam pushed his beans around in his bowl then set them aside. He found onion chunks. His  brisket though was 'not bad'. He did discard the bread after a while though, and just savored the meat. I tried it, a little drier than the chicken, but not too much. Brisket is one of the hardest things to get right at a barbecue joint. This tough cut of meat is quite a challenge for anyone, any style. MSBBQ was pretty good. I've not had enough brisket to give it a rating though.
I couldn't finish my chili. There was so much meat and beans that it filled me pretty quick. It was pretty good, not my all-time favorite, but the meat made for interesting and pleasant textures. I'd add more chopped bell pepper and maybe some celery myself. But there was nothing wrong with what they served. Chili is a very subjective thing, very hard to judge one against the other.
Angel was on her fifth or sixth napkin when she complained "I'm out of chicken!" Sure enough there was nothing left but a few scarred bones and some slivers of skin.  I tried some of the skin, it was sweet, wonderfully sweet.
Summary:
The bill for this complete meal was only twenty eight dollars and change, less than ten dollars each. For generous portions of quality cut and cooked meat, this was a bargain. The food service was fast, we did have a guy stop by and check on us, so the service was pretty good. This is not a fine-dining facility so not much service is actually required or expected. This is barbecue, not haughty French cuisine on white linen tablecloths.
The tea. Oh well, even though their signage boasted 'fresh brewed', I could only infer that they meant, at best, 'same-day'. It was cloudy, murky and muddy tasting.  On the PJTea scale I'd give it a -1 to -2. Maybe we'll call it -1.75.  I knew it probably would be.  I saw the coffee pot when we were pouring our drinks, it looked old and over-baked. If coffee isn't poured out and restarted every hour at worst, then the likelihood that the tea will be fresh is very slim.
The food though was pretty darn good. I was quite happy with the risk I took ordering the chili. Their real specialty, the meats, were excellent. This is good since our nearby beloved Bandanna's burned down we've missed slow cooked meat. Main Street barbecue is an excellent alternative, and a worthy competitor.



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*That's a joke. I know oyster crackers contain no actual oysters.