Arby's

"Lights. Seen in the sky above the Arby’s. Not the glowing sign of Arby’s. Something higher, and beyond that. We know the difference. We’ve caught on to their game. We understand the “lights above Arby’s” game.
Invaders from another world.
Ladies and gentlemen, the future is here, and it’s about 100 feet above the Arby’s."
 - 'Welcome to Night Vale:  Episode 1 - Pilot'  -   *


690 Truman Blvd
Festus, Mo.
On the web.

This exercise was the result of a barrage of commercials boasting Arby's 'Smokehouse Pork Belly' sandwich. At first I quivered, then my man-brain started chanting 'big bacon, big bacon . . .'  Angel seemed curious as well. Angel's a very curious person, she likes trying out new things, LOTS of new things, some nice and pleasant, many too physically demanding and weird to repeat, ever, or even discuss openly again.
I was skeptical, but that's what I bring to nearly every party, rampant yet intensely articulate skepticism.
In a case like that, our two minds being of two or more minds, we like to have a backup plan. We discussed this and came up with what I just now mentally invented 'The Chinese Solution'.
Build your own buffet. Order a little of several things, some known, some unknown, bring it home, divide it up, voila! Buffet.
I would make the run, the nearest Arby's to our heavily fortified compound is, of course, in Festus, which is now four or more miles further away than it was a couple of months ago when they finally started to re-construct the crumbling little bridge between us and higher civilization.
I left early to make a couple of utility stops, Lowes for some more succulents (a new, drought resistant, hobby of ours.) and PetSmart for a siphon hose, which they did not have, and three, fourteen cent gold fish. The fish were for our only standing aquarium. (in Maryland we had as many as 28 active aquariums). Our one remaining goldfish, Dowager, has been seeming quite listless since the last of her companions were summoned to Jesus. Even the algae eater that acts as Dowager's housekeeper, seemed to be bored. So we thought an infusion of youth and vigor might be just the kick in the dorsal fin she needs. These three 'comets' were only fourteen cents apiece, as opposed to the two or three buck goldfish at Walmart, because people tend to buy large quantities of these rather simple and plain fish to use as feeders for even larger fish. I told the lady serving them up that I was rescuing these, that they would be free to romp and play for however long they wish, up until the blue, swirling waters of goldfish heaven spirit them away from their mortal coils.

The Place:
At the end of Highway A, at 61/67 in Festus. Too vague?  It's in front of Walmart. There, is that better?
The three new fish swam in a small bag in the passenger seat, not seeming to mind the ride much, but not overly enthused either. I tried to come up with names for them, I tried Huey, Dewey and Louie, but that seemed too dated. Shem, Ham and Japheth popped into my head, but that seemed even more dated, so I abandoned the idea.
The short drive from the pet supply store to Arby's was short and uneventful. I parked, glanced around, took a full pull of cool-ish autumn air, girded my loins (to pull up and tie one's lower garments between one's legs to increase one's mobility) and headed in. Looking above the tall sign, I detected no lights hovering one hundred feet above it. I didn't know what to make of this. Were we not worthy?
Hardly any customers, so I took a head count. There were exactly zero other customers in the place, fewer than I'd originally thought.
I had the order mostly figured out, Angel had crafted a list but I wanted to put my mark on it so she wouldn't think I hadn't given it any thought whatsoever (which is the actual case). Being the sole patron, I took my time. I told the patient lady behind the counter to prepare herself for real work, the order would be complex and full of mind blowing twists and turns.
The Food:
One each:
Smokehouse Pork Belly
Smokehouse Brisket
Sliders:
Chicken
Roast Beef
Corned Beef
Sides:
Onion Rings
Potato Cake
Curly Fries

Pork Belly

Angel had told me to make sure to get Horsey Sauce. I'm not sure what exactly Horsey Sauce is, but I was hoping for her sake that it was not made from actual horses.
I spat out my order to the young, patient lady. She reacted like a pro, pushing single function buttons on her POS terminal (for sake of this post, POS stands for 'Point of sale', not the profane phrase I usually employ the acronym for.). She didn't miss a beat, she punched those buttons like George Jetson himself.
The tab came to forty something dollars, as I recall, I wasn't really paying attention. I swiped the POS slot and stepped back to welcome the thanks I so richly deserved. She asked my name, I showed her my passport, birth certificate and Radio Shack 'Battery of the Month' card. My papers were in order, in fact a little too in order, she just wanted to know whom to call when the order was ready. My bad, I get stopped and interrogated a lot, so I'm always prepared.
It didn't take so very long. Being the only customer has that as an advantage. She was bundling up the last item when she stopped, looked into the bag and pulled something out and threw it away. "Fix another Corned Beef Slider Rex!" She called to the back. This made me wonder what exactly can go so wrong with a corned beef slider that renders it completely and immediately unworthy to give to a customer.

Brisket

While waiting for the new and improved slider, another lady tried bundling the bundles into a slightly undersized plastic bag. It was a clumsy attempt, I feared crushed food. I gently pulled the bag away from her without punching her or calling  her vile names, because I'm a gentleman. I really was afraid she was going to get too frustrated with her task and blow a gasket, or crush my curly fries, which is worse.
The drive home was again, uneventful. This was fine and perfectly fitting, since I'd already decided to try to have an uneventful weekend. On Friday I about lost it when young Tim, a co-worker, said "Have a great weekend!" as I was leaving. "Stop ordering me around!" I screamed back. A 'great' weekend usually involves energy, effort and goals, I wanted absolutely none of that noise.
I handed off the bulging, undersized bag to Angel, she had met me at the door. Meeting me at the door is usually the thing one or more dogs do, but it was Rudy time and he always runs away when anyone comes to the door. Rudy has some comical fear issues. That's why we love him, his weaknesses and fears make us laugh.
She tore open the boxes and bags and lined the food up for the photo shoot. I snapped away, turning and poking and peeling away at the comestibles, to make them a little more photogenic. I reviewed the photos as Angel dutifully pulled out some plates and knives and started slicing everything, small portion, sample size.

Sliders

Our score card:
Pork Belly. I tried this first while the taste buds were still fresh and dusty. I did not care for what they were awakened to. I had imagined it to be bacon-y or salty, but what I got was a sickly sweet, greasy bite.
The sandwich was billed as having barbecue sauce, but this taste profile was mustard-y and too sweet. I could not really taste the meat itself, just the icky sauce.
Angel didn't mind it as much, but she added that she'd probably not want to eat a whole sandwich of it because of the sweetness.
Brisket. I thought this to be a vast improvement over the pork. Slightly smoky, much less intense, though Angel called it 'smoky, but bland'.
The sliders were all problematic in a specific way. The bread to protein ratio. Both of us started popping them open and plucking the meat. Way too much bread. Angel referred to the chicken version as 'A chicken nugget pasted to a bun' and 'a waste of money'.  It did look like that. The meats, especially the new and improved corned beef were quite okay, but it was really hard to be sure since there was only about a teaspoon of meat on each of the sliders.
The Sides:

The sides.

Angel liked the onion rings. I liked the taste okay, the subtle sweetness of the onion came through, but thought the breading was too thick.
Curly fries are curly fries, neither of us prefer them over normal fries. They tend to clump up in the fryer and have greasy and gooey spots. As far as curly fries go though, they were okay.
The huge fail here was the potato cake. Angel said they were too breakfast-y, as if that were an actual thing, but I got the idea, too much like those hash brown patties you get at fast food drive-in's. I was upset when I discovered there was no frosting or candles on my potato cake. That would have been nostalgic for me. I used to get a potato cake for every birthday. . . hang on, an internal memory error has occurred. . . . . . .  Oh, I remember now, I used to get a potato for my birthday. I was not my parents' favorite child. I'm over it now.  
Summary;
As I sit here typing away, listening to some smooth jazz  about three hours after that meal, my tummy is still queasy. It's a fried fast food thing with me. This stuff makes me sick. It's a cosmically high price I pay to inform you, my fickle fan base. I'm just not sure you are worth the agony anymore, you don't call, you don't write . . .
The service was good, the place was clean, though I'm still curious as to what went wrong with the original corned beef slider. . .  Maybe I don't want to know.
In a nutshell, I will not be making that trek to Arby's again anytime soon. Nothing, especially the star attraction Pork Belly even rose to a rank of 'pretty good'. Later, we were talking about it again, Angel said the only thing she would go back to Arby's for was the good ol' original roast beef. "They should stick to what they do best."
But you shouldn't take my word for it when it comes to fast food anymore, since it makes me sick and everything. I just can't take it anymore.

"We understand the lights. We understand the lights above the Arby’s. We understand so much.
But the sky behind those lights – mostly void, partially stars? That sky reminds us we don’t understand even more."
 - 'Welcome to Night Vale: Episode 25 - One year later' - 



* 'Welcome to Night Vale' is a podcast.  I have been reading/listening to it for about a year. As with most things new and interesting I discover, I first heard about it on NPR during my long, dismal commute.
It's certainly not for everyone.
Back when I was working toward a graduate degree in educational psychology with the University of Southern California (true story) one of the professors (a real 80's California Psychologist) offered an evaluation of each of us in the class after several weeks of classwork and discussions. She came to me, I didn't expect much, since in this class, as with almost every 'group' activity I'm ever involved with, I pretty much sat quietly in the back, avoiding eye contact and chit-chat.
"Dennis, you are a divergent thinker."
I politely thanked her, then rushed home to look up the word 'divergent'. It simply means 'different'. Apparently the professional analysis concluded that I don't think the same way other people do. This pleased me greatly. I'm not unique at all, many, many people can also be considered 'divergent thinkers', just not all in the same way.
Things that appeal to me seem to fall above, under or to either side of 'average'. You well know by now that I do not follow sports, any of them, and that I listen to music, hardly at all. So that opens up a little cerebral real estate that is often filled in with anxiety, trivia, anxiety, curiosity and anxiety.
Anyway, wordplay, sentences and phrasing also often delight me, along with a boatload of divergent - style thinking. That's what hooked me on Night Vale.
Night Vale's podcasts are presented as WTNV radio broadcasts. Cecil reads about current events, community groups, disasters, public service announcements, etc.
In a desert town in the southwest where odd matters of time, physics and metaphysics intersect, but are not quite in a way we regular people in the real world understand them.  "Time doesn't work in Night Vale"
No dogs are allowed in the dog park, no people either, you may see hooded figures in the dog park. Tell no one, drink to forget. The Sheriff's Secret Police are watching you, always, everywhere, for your protection and they hardly ever kidnap children.
"All hail the glow cloud!", a giant inexplicable glowing cloud that also is a member of the PTA.
Libraries are dangerous and scary, and only actually contain a couple of books anyhow, one being an autobiography of Helen Hunt.

From Episode 15:
Welcome to Night Vale.
Ladies, gentlemen, you. Today is Street Cleaning Day.
Please remain calm!
Street Cleaners will be upon us quite soon. We have little time to prepare.
Please remain calm!
The City Council has issued a statement in 20-point all-caps type saying:
RUN! RUN! FORGET YOUR CHILDREN AND LEAVE BEHIND THE WEAK! RUN!

Probably not everyone's cup of tea, but for totally indecipherable reasons, it appeals to me greatly. I now follow a few NV groups, bought the book, etc. These people think differently.

Arby's

12693 Lamplighter Square

St. Louis, Mo.

On the Web

Yeah, I know, I said I was going to stop eating at and reviewing fast food chains. But there's a story here, granted not much of one, but if I didn't report on this meal there wouldn't be anything this week, because . . . work.

I had to go in to work Saturday afternoon for what was predicted to be an all-nighter and extended to a seventeen hour shift. I try to get ahead of these events when I can, so my Saturday morning would involve sleeping as late as possible, running out to take care of a couple of chores, try to sneak in a nap, then head to work. Sure there's something a little odd about setting an alarm for 3:00 P.M. but that's just the way it is. If you want a career in IT support, you just better be prepared for occasional to frequent weekends, holidays and all-nighters.

All went to plan, I slept until I just couldn't anymore, about 8:30, had some breakfast, checked my social media and email, lounged around for a bit, showered and headed to the Post Office, etc. When I got home I hung around for a bit then went in for my nap. I was up by 2:30.

It was then I realized something was not on my checklist. Work would start at 4:30. The heaviest lifting would be the first few hours. Better get something to eat.

Well, I was headed into the burbs anyhow, I had time to stop somewhere and get something.

I wasn't really hungry for anything specific. I didn't have time for a full, sit down affair, so I just replayed my route in my head and thought about what was on the way.

Heading in, at the first suburb, there are some traffic lights. One, if not all the others, is usually red when I get to it. I recalled the outdoor blinking LED sign, 'Two Fish Sandwiches, $5.' it has been flashing that for several weeks or months now.

I like fish sandwiches. I didn't need two, but I was pretty sure I'd never had a fish sandwich from Arby's before.

The Place:

It's a fast food franchise, they all pretty much look and smell the same. Plastic, pre-fab, nothing original, everything 'safe'. There was hardly anyone else in the joint at 3:30 P.M. on a Saturday. No line, straight to the counter. They took my order, one fish sandwich, curly fries and a medium drink and told me they were a couple of minutes away from having curly fries ready.

So I filled up my cup with tea and a little ice, pumped some ketchup into little paper cups, ripped out a couple of napkins and found a seat where the late afternoon sun wouldn't be on my face or neck. I waited for the order, only a couple of minutes, as promised. It was then I noticed the music. Odd choice, all 70's and 80's top ten. America's 'You can do Magic', Feetwood Mac's 'Everywhere', there was even a little ELO action. (look it up for yourself youngsters). This is the music that was the background noise for my coming of age, teen's through twenties. The problem with that is, and the youngsters won't know this, is that there weren't a lot of music options back then, before cable TV and the interwebs. You pretty much discovered a new song or group over the radio. Most towns had at least one radio station that played popular music at least occasionally, and when they did it was usually Top Ten. At night when the local stations went quiet, the big city flame throwers, like WLS in Chicago, jacked up the voltage and blasted doped up DJ's for hundreds of miles into the wilderness.

Of course, they too played pretty much the same top ten. If you were lucky enough to live in a big city or had a progressive university station nearby, you could sometimes hear more obscure stuff, but otherwise it was the same few songs, day after day.

So by the end of my coming of age period, I was already sick of all these songs.

Being as I was pretty much the only customer, there was no din to help mask the sound. At least it wasn't country. I don't know, maybe this is considered elevator music these days. At least they didn't whip out 'Afternoon Delight' (Starland Vocal Band) or 'Honey' (Bobby Goldsboro). There's a couple of ear worms for you.

The Food:

I like a good fish sandwich. I used to prefer those at Burger King, but they changed the formula a couple of
years back and I haven't had one since. I don't care for the crap at McDonald's at all. If you ever see my car parked at or queued up in the drive through at a McDonald's, go ahead and call the cops. It's either stolen or I've been abducted am am probably in the trunk..

So why not give Arby's a try?

A few years back we ran a comparison review between Arby's and a local chain 'Lion's Choice'.  It is to date, our most read and most controversial review, ever. Mostly because it infuriated the locals that we preferred the national chain over the local favorite for objective and well reasoned criteria. Still, local pride got vicious.

The curly fries were a last minute, impulse decision. They offer waffle fries too, but I recalled that the consistency of done-ness of waffle fries at fast food places is sometimes a bit iffy.

The fish looked good, golden brown and crispy. I hoped they didn't try to season it too much.

The curly fries looked well cooked, also a dark, golden brown. There were a few all tangled up and stuck together, one of the things I don't like about curly fries. That and the fact that they sometimes don't dip-fit into those tiny ketchup cups, make them, for me, more trouble than they are worth. They tasted pretty good though, not too salty.

The fish sammich was on a toasted sesame seed bun, topped with tartar sauce and a pointless, limp leaf of iceberg lettuce. At least they don't put cheese on it like McD's. 

I grew up loving fish sandwiches made at home, with fish sticks (five sticks, four side by side, the fifth one laid perpendicular along the tips of the first four), white bread and ketchup. Mmmmm. . . yummy.  Nobody seems to make them that way anymore. I like tartar sauce better than ketchup on fish, but back in the day it was simply not something we kept on hand at home. Nowadays, I can make a reasonable tartar sauce substitute  with mayo and sweet relish, things we do have on hand for some reason. My arrangement of five fish sticks fit the white bread perfectly, side to side, end to end. This big filet was more triangular in shape so the sides didn't reach the edge and the ends stuck out a little. I bit off some of the exposed fish first. Not bad. 

The breading was a little heavier than it needed to be. The fish was fresh, moist and flaky, the breading crisp, about all you can ask for. The curly fries tasted okay as well, despite having to pause and untangle or break apart a few of them.

The tea was about what I come to expect at most chains, a bit old and unremarkable.

Summary:

As far as fast food fish sandwiches go, it was pretty good. One national review site lists the Arby's offering as the best among its competitors. I tend to agree. It wasn't great, but certainly noticeably better than any other franchise fish sandwich I've had recently.

The service was fine, I liked the fact that they told me at purchase time that the fries would be a little while, that's a nice touch. The place was respectably clean, no litter or noticeable crumbs on or around the many empty tables. At least once during my short visit one of the crew was out on the floor with a broom. The crew didn't make a lot of noise as young crews tend to do at some fast food places. They did hoot it up a little when one of the young counter lady's husband (assumption) stopped in with their two young kids. She got to take a break and hug them for a few minutes. Sometimes I wish I had young kids stop into the workplace to grab some midday hugs.

I don't go to fast food places much anymore since they all tend to make me a bit queasy afterward. This was no exception. My tummy noisily complained most of the evening in the quiet office. So much so that I felt it necessary to tell the other two guys about it, apologetically. 

A quick meal for six bucks is pretty decent. Sure it sours the stomach later, but it certainly was filling. Around seven, the other guys said they were making up an order for some takeout, I declined. I was seriously not hungry, even though, uncharacteristically, someone else was picking up the tab. I ate nothing the rest of the night.

If I ever do yearn for a franchise fish sandwich, Arby's will be the top choice, though that only happens about once or twice a year, tops.

My only other complaint about this Arby's, or all of them, I don't know which, did not have Wifi. . . I thought all the chains had Wifi. Most of the time I do go to one of these places I'll order a coffee and maybe an apple pie, just to be able to do some downloads. 

So, not bad, better than others, but the whole fast food bar is pretty low.

Jack In The Box

899 Veterans Blvd
Festus, Mo

Still waiting for the new Hibachi Buffet to open, we had a plan B. Jack has been running an ad for a few weeks now for their 'Bacon Insider' burger.  Bacon on the burger as is traditional, but also with bacon mixed inside the patty, and it is topped with a bacon mayo. That's a lot of bacon, but we're mid-westerners. So this trip wasn't so much about the place as it was about a specific item.

The Place:

Clustered amongst a dozen or so fast food franchises just off I-55 on Highway A, or Veterans Blvd. as it is locally signed. It doesn't stand out very much, but if you are looking for it, just head to Burger King, Fazoli's or Taco Bell.
It is more nicely decorated than BK or McD's but it's still a fast-food burger joint. The floors and tables were mostly clean, unlike the last couple of times we'd been there. It wasn't very busy and there didn't seem to be a large crew working. As we stepped up to the counter I could see one young lady mass-producing tacos. The mature gentleman that waited on us seemed manager-like, yet he handled the drive-thru headset like a pro.
The Food:  We all ordered the same burger. I got mine as a medium combo with curly fries, so did Adam. Angel nixed the fries and got two tacos instead. Angel and Adam like Jack's tacos, I do not. We settled up, twenty five bucks and change.
We grabbed straws, ketchup packets and napkins and followed Angel to a booth near the front. Out came the electronic devices, two smart phones and a tablet. I use my tablet to take notes and photos for this review. Angel and Adam use theirs to goof off.
I told them about a study I'd heard about on the radio earlier in the day. A team of Japanese scientists, presumably not the same scientists that should have been figuring out what to do with that nuclear power plant disaster in Fukushima, did a four month study to find the best way to hold a hamburger. I knew the result and told my family that I would be demonstrating the technique. Granted this was a study conducted by a group culturally more accustomed to eating with sticks than a fork, and the study is a little suspect in that it took a group of scientists four months to conduct a study that most American kids figure out in a few minutes by the time they're teenagers. But anyway, it was an official study, so it must be important.
They called our name, Adam popped up to grab the tray.
The burgers were diapered in paper inside boxes, another part of a tree died to produce the paper product to transport food the fifteen feet to the booth and the fifteen feet to the trash bin, unnecessarily wasteful. But that's an argument for another day.
They looked like regular burgers, Angel's tacos looked flat and dead, like Mexican road kill.
Jack boasts in its commercial about this treat being served on brioche, a bread with a higher butter and egg content than good old America white bread. I appreciate up-scaling bread, usually, but to me, on a sandwich, it's more important what is between the bun. My curly fries looked fine, crispy looking, though not actually crispy. I took a bite or two of the burger, it tasted like a bacon cheeseburger, with mayonnaise.  I don't usually put mayo on a burger, I'm an old fashioned mustard and ketchup guy. I found the mayo to be distracting, too loud a note for a savory burger. Angel and Adam shared the tacos, ate them like they were good. I found nothing appetizing about them at all the time I'd tried one. Some people really like them though, one couple came in to pick up their phoned in order of seventy tacos. Yeah, seventy. Blech.
As I ate the burger I realized I was fantasizing about burgers and bacon, but not at Jacks. For the same price as my combo, a little over seven bucks, I'd had a breakfast that very morning at Huddle House in DeSoto. Two eggs, over medium, hash browns, wheat toast and two slices of bacon. That's how to enjoy bacon, plus, HH served up a continuous set of refills for my delicious coffee for the full hour I had sat there and read my book.
Unlike the tea at Jack's. The tea was floral, weak and a bit bitter, I only took a few sips.
At Jack's, as I ate the mediocre burger, flaccid curly fries and sipped that terrible tea, I was dreaming of breakfast at HH and the burgers, just down the road at Gordon's stop light.
The brioche bun was more of a complication than a bonus. It was tougher, chewier than the burger itself. It even made my newly discovered technique for holding a burger more difficult.

The 'right' way.

The 'wrong' way.

The study explained that by using the pinky finger to support the bottom of the bun along with the thumb, this provides more stability for the burger so the innards don't slip out as badly. This is an awkward hand position though, and is probably best suited for a flimsy bun. The brioche was closer to the consistency and density of pizza crust, structurally more rigid. So my findings with the technique were inconclusive.
Summary:
Bottom line, the burger tasted like a mediocre fast food burger. I probably won't make this a destination meal. It wasn't awful, but there are so many other things available nearby that this new burger just didn't stand out as anything special. The tea was not good at all, I threw most of it away on our way out. Angel said the burger seemed overcooked, perhaps because of the bacon inside it. No one applauded, no one moaned in ecstasy or delight and the conversation at the table and in the car was about nearly every other
subject other than the meal. I think that's like a C-. Passing, but not noteworthy. It was indeed more bacon-y than a traditional bacon cheeseburger, but unnecessarily so. I'm sure it sounded good in the development meetings, but the fact is, it really wasn't terribly interesting or delicious.
The tea?  -4. The price? Like I said I could have spent that same money in the area and received a much better meal. Sorry Jack, a swing and a miss.

Hardee's

Hillsboro, Mo.
http://www.hardees.com/

What's this, a cop-out? No pictures? You didn't even go there?
Well, sort of a cop-out, but not really.
I was puny. While out doing my obligatory, responsible adult chores earlier in the day,  I stopped into the Desoto branch of Hardee's and sat and enjoyed a cup of coffee and a breakfast biscuit. I wanted to go to Huddle House, but their parking lot was completely full. I understand why, HH is really, really good.
But Hardee's makes a pretty good biscuit (from scratch) and fresh, dark coffee.  I dragged along my George Pelecanos novel, to just chill for a while. Chill I didn't.
I started feeling suddenly awful. After a few minutes I felt just well enough to get into the car and drive home. I dived into bed and passed out for a couple of hours.
When I got up I was still weak and woozy. By dinnertime, I was a little hungry, but didn't want to go out into public until I either healed or died, lest I poison the entire county with whatever the heck I had. Dysentery, malaria, rickets, scurvy, lupus (it's never lupus) I couldn't tell. Angel said it might be the flu, but I try not to succumb to such pedestrian diseases.
Angel offered to run somewhere and drag something home. Sure, whatever. Probably my last meal anyhow, go for  it.
The Place:
I don't need to describe it, it's a Hardee's. A plasticized, generic, ubiquitous fast food joint. There are nearly two thousand locations and Hardee's is a sister franchise to Carl's Junior. The company is headquartered right up the road in mighty St. Louis. Together, Hardee's and CJ's form the fifth largest fast food chain in the U.S. Of that top five, Subway, McDonald's Burger King and Wendy's, Hardees makes, without a doubt, the best tasting burger of the lot. Okay, Subway doesn't even make a burger, but still. Your argument to the contrary is invalid.
I've been to the Hillsboro location quite often, it is on one of the most prominent corners of the small town. On weekends, locals, farmers or whatever, congregate there like an old country store. Fractured families use it as a neutral zone to swap out the kids, we've transferred dogs there since it is such a visible and convenient place for outsiders to find. I even saved a dog's life there once as is chronicled in my essay "We all Shine On" in the anthology "Not Your Mother's Book On Dogs"   (Gratuitous self promotion, one of the perks of having your own blog)
During the week, it is not unusual to see suited lawyers and their nervous clients lingering over a table with laptops and piles of papers. Hillsboro is small, around two thousand people, but it is the county seat, home to the courthouse and jail for the sixth most populous county in the state. (County pop. 218,000 in 2010).
There are other places to get coffee and breakfast in the town, but the store's prime, highly visible location makes it easily the most popular. A better cup of coffee and sandwich can be had at Cool Beans, just a block away, but it's a little harder to find. (though well worth it) Cool Beans serves a maple sausage sandwich on pretzel bread that is simply to die for.
The Food:
I left the choice to Angel. She knows what I like, mostly. Plus I was puny and grouchy and not in the mood for deciding much of anything.
She nailed it.
A Bacon Thickburger with curly fries and a tall tea.The same thing she got for herself. The boy, or Adam, as we like to call him, picked out the 6$ Philly cheese-steak burger. That looked pretty good too.
The burgers are pretty big, 1/3 pound (pre-cooked). He had a Coke and his mom, a Diet Coke.
We'd actually had Hardee's on the short list for a while. Even though we're no strangers to the place, we'd heard that they were now serving their burgers on fresh baked buns. This is what we were focusing on.
Hardee's indeed makes the buns, in-store, fresh daily. Sure the dough is delivered to them frozen, but even that's arms and legs better than the other burger-joints can claim.
I looked over our buns. Angel's, Adam's and mine looked the same; round, firm, dense and not as flabby as others. Then I looked at the bread on my sandwich. (Pause for raucous laughter.)
It was indeed noticeably different. It was big enough to contain the entire sandwich. It was not disintegrating, nor did it throughout the meal. The taste was a bit denser and sweeter than a traditional bun, like fresh baked bread, quite good.
Add to that the burger patty itself, better than the other places by a noticeable measure. We've recently been to the other places, I still think Hardee's burgers, even without the clearly superior bun, is the best tasting among them.
The lettuce and tomato were fresh and ample, the bacon was decent and crisp, not soggy.
The curly fries, lightly seasoned, were pretty good as well, I prefer the fries from here, even above McD's.
Summary:
Even while on my death bed, I ate the whole damn thing. I should not have, at least not while in my recliner. I developed a pretty hefty case of heartburn a couple of hours earlier. Of course I did. The burger itself is nearly a thousand calories, Add fries to that  and you've got 1360 calories, over seven hundred of those from fat, it's also loaded down with sodium, carbs and cholesterol. Yeah, this ain't anybody's diet food.
But boy howdy, it's tasty.
Twenty five bucks. Slightly higher than you might spend at Micky D's, but you're getting a much, much tastier burger. If you're going off the counting calories wagon anyhow, you might as well get some better tasting coffin nails.
In my mind, and my experienced, professional opinion, McD's obviously and unashamedly, goes for the lowest possible costs, Wendy's and BK are trying, but missing the mark completely, like J.C. Penny's and Sears. Subway doesn't really cook anything so I can't to compare them in this review.
Though I'm lauding Hardee's here, keep in mind that there are plenty of places, mostly local or regional, that make a better burger. Browse through past reviews and you'll find them, Gordon's Stoplight comes to mind immediately.
But if you have to have a chain burger, drive right past those other places and pull into Hardee's. You'll thank yourself later.
Oh yeah, the tea? Forgettable. Dead even with Pizza Junction.



* I'm feeling better now, thanks for pretending to care.

Jack In The Box

899 Veterans Blvd
Festus, Mo.
http://www.jackinthebox.com

Please take notice of the new and improved images!*

It was my turn to pick a place. I had several in my head, but I just couldn’t seem to wrap my tummy around any of them. So I decided to pay a return visit to a place that I’d liked before, and one that had an outstanding issue. Time to clear this up.

The Place:

Festus, above the interstate, blah, blah, blah, by now you’ll recognize that Festus has dozens of places to eat and most of them are within a small area right along Highway A above I-55.

Once again, hardly anyone there. Strange.

I’d been seeing commercials on TV for an ‘All-American Burger.' I decided to go with that before we even got there.

We stepped in and I noticed an improvement right away. In my last couple of reviews of this place I’d made note of the littered floors and tables and that how a place that wasn’t anywhere near really busy should be able to manage that basic function better. I’d even sent a note to management and they responded that they’d look into it.

It was spotless, the floor anyhow. A couple of the tables were not bussed, but only a couple, it could have been that the people that had used them had only recently left.

We stepped up to the line. Angel and Adam took a few minutes, I just stood there, bored with their sloth.

The Food:

Clean floor!

Angel finally decided, oddly enough, a salad. The Chicken Club salad to be exact, along with two of those nasty tacos that her and the boy like so well. Adam stepped up and ordered the Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger, which, as if made specifically for him, comes with no onions and no tomatoes. He added curly fries and two of those nasty tacos that he and his mother rave about. I tossed in my order, adding curly fries, and none of the nasty, deep-fried tacos.

We filled our drinks, Adam, root beer, Angel, a Diet Dr Pepper (because regular Dr. Pepper isn’t awful enough) and for a change, I bypassed the tea and poured a Coke. I had noticed the tea was that prefabricated, catered stuff a lot of local restaurants offer, and I knew it wouldn’t be very good. We found a table near the back.

Across from us was a young family, a young father and mother, and four young kids. The father in very good shape, high and tight haircut, strong, well maintained upper body, sleeveless workout shirt and long, baggy shorts. He stood most of the time when he talked, like an ambitious executive in a business meeting. The kids, aged between three and ten, three boys and a girl, sat dutifully. The youngest boy, the comedian, sat dunking his pancakes into his sticky syrup, making faces and odd noises. It’s the curse of being the youngest, you have to go for the slapstick laughs to get attention. The boys all had tight, short haircuts. When the food had first arrived the father stood and led them in a prayer. I was somewhat jealous; I’d never had my family in such obliging control. When I did occasionally take my own young kids out it was indistinguishable from complete chaos.

All-American

Our food took just a few minutes longer than seemed necessary, though we didn’t think much of it at the time. Angel played with her phone, as did Adam, I sat and watched the perfect family, growing angrier and more jealous by the moment. I wanted to punch the guy.

The young man that delivered our tray apologized. “Sorry for the wait, there was an accident in the kitchen.” He said, adding: “Here’s a couple of coupons for free tacos since you had to wait.”

“Oh.” I responded indignantly, as if I knew what he was talking about.

We separated things out, I started peeling back the wrapper on my burger.

Chicken Club Salad

“Weren’t there supposed to be two tacos each?” Adam asked his mother. I looked down, sure enough there were only two of the nasty, flat things on the tray.
“I’ll take care of it!” I stood and took charge, I could handle this, I could take care of my family just like that young father. I hoped he noticed.

The man behind the counter, older and in-charge looking, took my concern seriously and immediately started barking out that he need two more tacos ‘on the fly’ which I took to be Jack-speech for ‘not as part of an order.’

“We’ll get those right out to you sir.” He assured me. I felt in control, commanding, and somewhat manly.

Bacon Ultimate.

We dug in, it was pretty quiet. My burger was exactly what I expected. Excellent meat patties with just the right condiments. The curly fries were seasoned, a little stronger than I’d remembered them. I wished I’d had the regular ones instead.

Everyone grunted and snorted as the food was devoured. Angel broke apart one of the tacos and dispersed it on the  salad, like croutons. "The way to make tacos healthy, put them on a salad!" She said, I couldn't disagree. Well actually I could, I just didn't bother.We avoid a lot of fights by simply ignoring each others' outrageously stupid remarks.  Meanwhile, the perfect family was wrapping up, dad was wiping up spilled pancake syrup around the youngest boy's area. The little tyke was now in his mom’s generous lap making spitting noises at the others, they giggled in delight. They were making me sick.

The missing tacos were delivered, four of them. “Here’s a couple of extra for your inconvenience.” The young man said. Tacos are apparently the goodwill currency at Jack in the Box. Like tickets and tokens at Chuck E Cheese, only of real value within their own doors.

Taco

As the eating slowed down, I polled the family. “Real bacon, lots of tomatoes and cucumbers, and good, crispy chicken.” She said of her salad.

Adam nodded his head.
“Use your words!” I scolded him.

“I like a burger that doesn’t taste like a fast-food burger.” He mumbled, finally. “How was your all American burger?” He asked.

"As promised, not a hint of foreign influences.” I replied. It was indeed a good burger. The curly fries, well, I’ll just get regular fries next time. They were fine, just too flavory for the subtle burger.

Adam added more, surprisingly. “Top rung of the fast food chains.” He said of the overall experience.

Summary:

I’d expected the food to be good, it always is. I was impressed that the floor was near-spotless, but noticed a half-hour in that the table that was messy when we got there had still not been cleaned, arriving customers just avoided it. So there’s still an issue with cleaning the dining area. There was a noticeable improvement, but other chains I like don’t seem to have this problem so consistently.

The bill was twenty one and change, about right for a fast food place, even with the extra/missing tacos.

I’m not sure what the ‘accident’ was, but there were certainly a couple of service errors this visit. I won’t judge that too harshly, as it seems to be typical of fast-food places, sometimes orders get messed up, things are misplaced. I only hope they work harder to cut down on these though, so they really can stand out and above, to maintain the status of ‘top rung’.

__________________________________

* New, improved photos!

I’ve had it with dimly lit restaurants. Rather, I’ve had it with trying to take photos in dimly lit restaurants with my overpriced/underpowered cell phone. It has no flash and pretty low resolution.

As I jealously scanned other food blogs this past couple of weeks I realized that other people’s blogs had nice, rich, colorful photography, whereas on this site the images were third rate at best. I could do better. I trained as a photographer as far back as in high school and have always prided myself on using good equipment and good technique to make good pictures. Some of my photos are even hanging in the local hospital. Life saving and comforting pictures, I’m capable of that.

Nikon Coolpix L3 with 'advanced'
flash suppression feature.

The problem was this. I have a good camera, a Nikon DSLR. Unfortunately it’s a bit large, expensive and bulky to be packing in and out of dives and fast food chains. Then I remembered my other camera, one I hadn’t used since I got the DSLR. It’s also a Nikon, but it’s a point and shoot, about six years old. I bought it as we were in the process of moving from Maryland to St. Louis. My good digital camera at that time, an awesome Olympus, had broken, suddenly and irreparably.  As luck would have it, as a going away gift, my co-workers in Maryland gave me a gift certificate for Ritz Camera. I used it to buy this little Nikon to serve me during the transition and until I could free up some bigger funds toward a DSLR.

It served well enough, as much as a point and shoot can, the delay between pushing the shutter button and the picture actually snapping was constantly frustrating. Taking action pictures of the dogs was damn near impossible. So when, a couple of years later, I bought the big one, the little Coolpix  unceremoniously went into a drawer. 

I remembered it this weekend. Then it took a while to find it, clean it up and get it going. I took some dimly lit room photos to test out its capability for its new job.

The big, bad D40

A point and shoot is rather middle-of-the-road. It lacks the precision of a more expensive camera. The lenses are smaller and not as crisp. The focus mechanism makes a few broad assumptions, and there are very few manual override capabilities. It’s made for snapshots, not art. The flash is tiny and hot. By hot, I mean it assumes you’re using the flash to take a picture of a room full of people. This is not what I’d be doing. I’d be focusing pretty close-up on a small area.I needed to cool off the flash, to keep it from looking like a full-assault, flash-bang grenade in small, dimly lit restaurants.

This is where old-fashioned, low tech solutions become handy.

If you look at the flash area of the camera, you’ll notice what looks like transparent tape holding a layer or two of white paper towel over the flash. That’s because that is what it is, a low-tech flash diffuser.

I tested various materials and shots, and this was the result. I tried it out for real Saturday night at Jack in the Box. The results were quite pleasing.

My hope is to continue to improve the quality of reporting to you, my loyal fans. Let me know what you think!

Hardees

10610 Highway 21
(Main Street)
Hillsboro, Mo.
http://www.hardees.com/

This choice led to a heated discussion. While true that we had never reviewed Hardee's, any Hardee's, this was seen by some in the family as a cop-out. Not because we don't like the chain, but because we do.
Since we moved to Hillsboro we, or at least I, have been there lots of times. It is the closest fast food chain to our house, right at the corner of 21 and BB. It's terribly convenient. PLUS they have a great breakfast selection and serve some pretty decent coffee.
It's not unusual for me to stop in once or twice per month on my way to a meeting or other errands  and ask for a 'number three with coffee', a sausage biscuit with tater rounds.
If I have time I'll take my book in with me, find a spot away from the overhead TV's and enjoy a few minutes of gastronomic and literary joy.
I assured Angel that it wasn't a cop-out at all, that even though we may already have a bias, that we were professionals and could be expected to remain completely objective.
The Place:
Like I said, very, very convenient less than ten minutes from my driveway. It's a busy intersection sitting right above the various county government offices and courthouse. It looks like every other Hardee's in the country. The St. Louis based CKE corporation (it also owns Carl's Jr.) boasts a couple of thousand of Hardee's locations in 42 states, with it's niche being locations in areas and towns too small to support other chains. It's kind of fast-food plastic-y inside, but no more so than the others.
The Food:
Getting the family to decide what to order was a painful process. Due to a fast-moving and rather significant thunderstorm we were without internet service for a few minutes, so we had to rely on memory as to what they had. We would be eating at home, I was for the second week in a row going to be the fetcher. I knew what I wanted, I'd been salivating about it for a few days.
Angel didn't want a burger and fries, Adam couldn't recall what different burgers they had. "Something with bacon." Is about all I had to go on for the boy.
From Angel: "Chicken tenders, but as I recall they don't put many in an order, so two orders if they seem small."
I did get them to agree unanimously on curly fries, if such a thing did exist.

Chicken Tenders

"And a sweet tea, no ice." Angel added. I started writing it all down at this point.
It was still raining a little as I left, though the clouds were breaking up and the sun was peeking through brightly, low in the west. By the time I got to the Dollar General for my first stop, the wipers were no longer required. I picked up a 2-liter Pepsi and a few other small items and within minutes was looping back to Hardee's. I went in and found it all but empty. The place is pretty busy on Saturday mornings, but I wasn't sure how well it fared during the early evening, this might be normal, but I also thought maybe most other people were making plans for St. Patrick's day, a Holiday that we traditionally don't give any notice to. Not that we have issues with the Irish in particular, it's more a practical thing. We barely celebrate the big holidays, so in our home St. Pat's is relegated to the same yawn-status as  Guy Fawkes Day (Nov 5), Maritime day (May 5), Paul Bunyan Day (Jun 28), and even Amelia Earhart Day (Jan 11).
Sorry if this offends, but we just don't have enough 'celebrate' in us to cover them all sufficiently.
I stepped up to the counter and was immediately asked for my order from a headphone-clad young lady. I asked about curly fries and was told that they indeed served them. I read off the rest of the order, all ala-carte, no combos. Two medium drinks, three curly fries, a Frisco thick burger (mine) a 1/3 lb. cheeseburger (no tomatoes or onions) for Adam. The chicken tenders were available in sets of three or five. I had to ponder this for a minute, was three too few or was five too few? I asked for two three's only eventually realizing that one five was just one less tender than the total I was getting, but whatever, I was in no mood for complex math. Then the girl/lady/chick asked me about dipping sauces, I didn't have a clue and apparently it registered on my facial expression. "I'll drop in one of each." She said. A real pro, I respect that.
She handed me a card with a number on it as well as two medium cups. I filled them at the drink line, one with  sweet tea and the other with unsweetened tea, no ice. Why pay for ice if you're dining at home?

1/3 lb Cheeseburger

A couple of other people came in and ordered while I was waiting. The drive up window was also creating some activity. I could have gone through thee drive up, but out of force of habit it didn't occur to me that that was actually an option. My old car had defective windows, a feature of 2000 Olds Aleros, puny, fragile window motors. So for a couple of years I was unable to avail myself to drive-through windows of any kind. I've only been through a drive through a couple of times since I replaced the car, it just rarely occurs to me that I can.
As I waited I decided to look around the dining area. A few weeks ago I'd noticed that at Jack-in-the Box, the table and floors where littered with crumbs and wrappers. Not here though, the tables had been cleaned and the floor swept and mopped. Kudos.
This Hardee's is not the fastest of fast-food joints. They don't keep a pile of pre-made burgers and fries under a heat lamp. I don't see that as a negative. Hillsboro is not a town where 'hurry' is such a high priority anyhow. Being the county seat things tend move at a slower pace then they do in more cosmopolitan/metropolitan areas such as DeSoto and Festus.
I went ahead and took the two teas out to the car so I wouldn't have to carry them and the bags of food all at the same time. I did wish I had my book on me.

Frisco Thickburger

It was probably only five to ten minutes, which at any other restaurant would not seem like a long time, so all things being relative, the wait was expected, normal and not so bad.
Finally they called me over and handed me the big bag.
Once home, I set it all out, primarily to see if I'd received everything I ordered. This is an issue at all fast food places, in fact this Hardee's a few years ago was a known sinner. It's been a long time  since I recall being short-sheeted there though. They got it all right this time.
I did my photo-session thing again as Adam stood impatiently behind me.
As is our custom, I sat down at the dining room table and cracked open my book, Angel and Adam stretched out in the living room watching cartoons or something. Don't judge us, it's just how we roll. During the week they eat earlier than me to fit in with the dog/school schedule and I eat when I get home, alone, using the time to relax a little. We run a business out of the house, Angel is very busy most days, especially in the spring. She has to fit things around a pretty strict schedule that the living breathing, panting clients require. She stays busy until last pee (theirs, not hers), around nine P.M. That's when we get together and catch each other up on the day.
Summary:
I've said this before, Hardee's has toppled Burger King* as my favorite of the top five fast-food burger franchises. The Frisco burger is always good, the sourdough bread makes it just that much better. The fries, this time curly, were done pretty well. We all finished up, Angel only left a nugget or two which she would surely get to later.
There was simply nothing bad to say. Unlike Burger King which had several shoulder shrugs and screwed up faces, this food, for fast food, was pretty darn tasty. The tea, not so much.
The tab came to a reasonable twenty five dollars and change, about typical for fast food.
Bottom line, this was about as good as fast food burgers get. My number one of the big five.

________________________
In related news, Wendy's has toppled Burger King for the number two spot in sales behind McDonalds for fast food hamburgers. I told you things were declining at the King!