Taco Bell

10255 Business Highway 21
Hillsboro, Mo
www.tacobell.com

Surprised?
You should be. I wasn't.
Angel's pick, and I knew exactly why. I've been bad mouthing the Bell for several years, but in all that time I've not actually set foot in one. I used to go occasionally, but I finally got tired of the lack of variety and the mediocre, at best, flavors. Every time it's Adam's turn to pick a place, his mom suggests to him that if he's having trouble deciding he should just pick Taco Bell. They go frequently for lunches, when I'm not around.
"But dad doesn't want to go there." He would reply.
When Angel told me this, I told her "Does the boy not understand the purpose of these meals? It doesn't matter if I have a preconceived notion or not, it's about going to places and gathering data then publicly declaring my official dislike."
So she picked it.
The Place:
On a hilltop north of downtown Hillsboro, next to McD's. I can't recall ever going into the place. It's been a long, long time since I've been to a Bell, anywhere.
The place was actually fairly attractive inside, browns and oranges, darkly painted ceiling tiles. There were some bistro tables and some half-booths (bench on one side, chairs on the other). It didn't look nearly as fast food-y as I recalled it. It had the look of a Panerea or Crazy Bowls.
The Food:
We stepped up to the counter and were greeted by a petite, almost elfin, young lady wearing the name 'Jennifer' on her name tag. Long brown hair pulled back into a quick ponytail, big, dark bright eyes, and a huge but sincere looking smile. Angel stepped up first and ordered like a pro. It occurred to me that she might have been there even more often that I was aware of. I'd looked at the menu online earlier in the day and had pretty much decided, but took a couple of minutes to scan the overhead to see if there was anything else that might pop out. There wasn't. Angel asked for two shredded chicken burritos and a steak taco. I took the plunge and went with my original, purposeful, strategic choice, a steak gordita and a soft shredded chicken taco. Jennifer said something in her tiny, happy voice that I didn't hear, so she repeated it. "Would you like a drink?"
Of course this offered up a comedic opportunity. "Yes, yes I would."
She smiled even bigger, didn't skip a beat. "Would you like our one dollar medium drink?" She asked. I had nowhere to take that, my shallow comedy tool box now empty. "Yes, that will be fine." was my reply. She'd won that round.

Steak Gordita

Adam stepped through, more deliberate and purposeful, still seeming a little unsure, though I knew he visited often. "Two shredded chicken tacos and a five layer beef burrito." He also asked for the one dollar drink. Copycat.
Angel was already picking out condiments at the condiment bar, packets of mild sauce and napkins. I filled my one dollar cup with unsweetened ice tea, Adam dispensed Dr. Pepper. Angel was not dispensing anything, she'd gone for the secret (in that I wasn't aware of it) drink menu and asked for a cherry limeade, which was assembled/brewed/distilled behind the counter.

Soft Chicken Taco

We found us a regular sized table. The place wasn't very crowded, and hot adult contemporary music played overhead. I don't know exactly what constitutes hot adult contemporary music, but that's how radio station KYKY in St. Louis describes what they play. I didn't recognize any of it, nor the artists names when they were mentioned, but it wasn't country or Christmas music, so I didn't hate it.
It wasn't very long before someone called Angel's name and the trays arrived. Adam sorted it all out and kept the tray for himself. I examined my gordita.

Chicken  Soft Taco, exposed

In Mexico if you order a gordita you will get what we might consider a sheppard's pie, stew served with a thick crust. Taco Bell has decided to screw all that authenticity malarkey, there it's just a soft pita taco. Taco Bell has tried twice to enter the food market in Mexico, both attempts failed, even when they offered Americanized things like fries. I don't know that it was the food that caused it to fail, I think it had to do with their slogan "Make a run for the border" which suffers an entirely different context in Mexico.
The pita bread wrapper was only slightly thicker than the regular soft taco's wrap. My strategy had been to test a gordita, not knowing what it was, and go with steak, since I didn't recall that being offered back in the 80's or 90's or whenever I'd last been to a Bell. I decided on the chicken for the same reason, and to test the soft shell.
I still had the taste in my mouth of the old hard-shelled ground 'beef' (in air quotes) that were so common back in the day. I steered far away from that terrible, greasy, bitter, salty memory.

Chicken Burrito

The steak in the steak taco looked like steak. It was cubed, charred and juicy looking. It had a good mix of toppings on it, cheese, tomato, lettuce and the wrap itself was indeed soft. The meat looked a little suspicious, and to the bite was very, very tender, uniformly so, no gristle or tough spots whatsoever. Too tender to be straight off a cow. I decided that the only way it could be that uniform and tender, other than the beast having been hand massaged and lived a life of leisure in Japan, was if it was beef, broken down and rebuilt like tofu is made from soy beans, highly processed, reconstituted, like their current 'taco meat filling' which can be, by law with that moniker, only 15-20% protein according to many accounts. (The Bell insists that it is at least 88% 'meat', but is struggling with official food labels and some lawsuits.) All  I'm saying is that beef, that smooth, uniform and consistent does not come straight from the cow that way.

Steak Taco,  Cherry lime-ade

The fact of the matter is that whatever it actually is, it did taste pretty good. I finished the gordita and  bit into the chicken taco. It took a couple of bites to find the chicken, which was also the last bite. That same ghastly salty and greasy taste was back. I was done. My feelings were mixed.

Oozing Cheese

Meanwhile, Angel was disassembling her burrito. It was like a pound of potatoes in a ten pound sack. She tore off large chunks of the tortilla and shoved them aside, revealing only a small smattering of actual ingredients, mostly rice. As for actual chicken there was maybe a heaping tablespoon of it, about the same as in the chicken tacos.  She didn't eat most of it, since most of it was the tortilla and the rice, which she said she didn't care for. The steak taco was different though, basically the same as my gordita, but with a slightly thinner tortilla. She had no complaints about that. She added that she loved the limeade at the Bell.

Chicken Burrito, exposed

Adam had no complaints about his, "Pretty good" he said adding that this was college kid food, lots of empty carbs, calories and grease to fuel the fast-burning, raging maturation metabolism. He said this as his burrito developed a leakage, cheese started oozing out a small tear in the tortilla, like thick yellow pus out of a punctured boil. (You're welcome)
Oh, and the tea. I was surprised, it was actually pretty good. Clear, fairly fresh and strong enough to actually taste. Believe it or not The Bell gets a +3.

Summary:
The place was prettied up, the service at the counter was outstanding, the price, at twenty three dollars and change, very, very cheap.

Several dead trees.

The food was "Not awful".
This is the Bell's forte, the low price. With that price though, there comes a, er,  price, though. The food is made of the cheapest ingredients possible. These ingredients will not properly sustain a mature, slow burning metabolism. All those carbs and fats together will build up as excess sugars and fat in your system (don't even get me started on the sodium) unless you are super-active, or addicted to meth. I shouldn't have to tell a responsible, reasonable adult that this food, if eaten very regularly will make you and your kids fat. Of course this is true of burgers and pizza as well, it's all pretty much the same thing, bread, greasy, fatty meat and a few token veggie toppings with some kind of sauce. Taco Bell gets a lot of grief over their ingredients, but they are really not that much different than most plasticized, high-volume, low cost  fast food offerings.
That being said if you just need a quick and dirty calorie load, then go for it. They are fast and certainly cheap.
My biggest concern though after this trek, was what I noticed at the end of the meal. Look at that pile of refuse. I'm certainly not the greenest, tree-huggiest person around, but crimeny, that was a lot of trash. Some places present to-go orders and inside orders differently, not here. The paper wrappers sort of make sense for a bundle of food being taken elsewhere, but in-store it seems a bit much. The excess paper travels only twenty feet and fifteen minutes from initial deployment to trash bin. That seems to be very, very wasteful and inefficient to me.
So will I go back? Well frankly, I can't think of a reason to. Though the steak gordita was tasty, it was not as tasty as a good burger or a slice of pizza (especially Pizza Junction Pizza!)* and no more nutritious, just cheaper and faster. Hardees is just up the road and has pretty good burgers, as well as decent coffee and WiFi. There's nothing at the bell that really calls to me. I'd just as soon stay home and make a sandwich. I will say this though, The Bell seems to be trying to improve its image. They're just stuck in a price point problem. To keep the college kids stopping in they are forced to use faked, excuse me, processed and enhanced meat and lots and lots of cheap corn and wheat filler material.
You get what you pay for.


* Gratuitous plug for the place my son works.

Dairy Queen

101 South Truman Boulevard
Crystal City Mo.


Starting in 1957, DQ’s that served burgers added the word ‘brazier’ to their signage. The word referred to a machine developed by one of their franchisees that allowed standard cooking temperatures and times for all stores. The word is largely no longer used, considered outdated back in the 80’s and 90’s. It is not known to this reporter whether the braziers themselves were discarded, whether or not all the stores are now brazier-less. Perhaps they were burned in a symbolic gesture of rebellion. No one really knows for sure. I’m confident that the real story of the brazier, were it actually known, would be uplifting though. (I deliberately avoided prolonging  this silly shtick by not saying anything about how hard it was to remove the braziers, you know, in the dark, with one hand, etc. You can thank me later.) 

The real burning question in your mind must be though: “Why did you go to the DQ in Festus/Crystal City since there’s one in Hillsboro that you have to actually drive right past to get to Festus/Crystal City?”

Fair question. Angel (in charge of this expedition) explained it this way. “We’re going to Blockbuster anyhow and also, I want to see if the DQ fries in the Twin Cities are any better than the DQ fries in Hillsboro.”

Good enough for me. 

The Place:

Located near Lam’s Chinese in downtown Festus/Crystal City. I can barely tell where Festus leaves off and Crystal City begins. They are often referred to as the 'Twin Cities' but since the borders are indistinguishable without complex surveying equipment and archaic plot maps, in my mind the two towns are more like 'Conjoined Twin Cities'.
From the outside it looks exactly like a Dairy Queen. An outdoor patio with a tropical setting, palm tree, umbrellas, etc. Inside I was quite surprised to see a large stonework mantel and fireplace. I'm not sure why, but it was attractive. Above the mantel was mounted a large flat-screen TV playing a sports channel. On the mantel itself were some plaques and awards, none of which I bothered to examine. They might have been insurance policies and restraining orders as far as I know.
We placed our order, I'd made a conscious decision to get a burger without bacon since I always get a burger with bacon and thought I'd mix it up a bit. Angel and Adam ordered their picks and we poured our drinks and found a seat. I tasted the tea and choked on the bitterness of it so I filled my cup with Pepsi instead. Adam brought paper cups filled with ketchup. As we sat Adam made the observation that there were bottles of ketchup and mustard already at the table. "They don't have ketchup at the table at Hillsboro." Angel said. This would be the start of the inevitable comparison between the two stores. I asked and Angel told me that Hillsboro doesn't have a fireplace either.
In the meantime, several packs of large motorcycles roared by the nearby intersection. Sure it was a nice weekend, but large packs of large men on large motorcycles is quite audibly intrusive. We weren't even outside but still had to talk loudly to each other to overcome the immature and needless roar of the massive bikes. There is no technical reason a large Harley has to be louder than a mid-sized automobile. They are deliberately loud. Why, I am not quite sure. Some would call it compensation, others would cite an adrenalin rush. All I get from it though is immature and self-administered testosterone fulfillment. For people (bikers) who (stereo)typically claim they want freedom, liberty and to be simply left alone, their sheer intrusive and overt and unnecessary loudness belies their concern for those same rights and privileges for others around them. (gratuitous soap-boxing)
The Food:

Mine: Grillburger with cheese.

As I said, I'd ordered a Grillburger with cheese, and for a whopping fifty nine cents replaced the fries with onion rings. Angel took the Bacon Cheese Grillburger and fries, Adam, always the daring and adventurous rebel, asked for the Flamethrower Chicken sandwich, fried, with fries.
It didn't take long at all for the food to arrive, it was delivered to us within about five minutes of sitting down.

Angel's: Bacon Cheese Grillburger

I unwrapped mine, took the photos, then peeled back the bun on mine to see if it needed a condiment. Then a funny thing happened. I found bacon on my burger. I looked over at Angel's, hers had bacon as well. The only difference I could see between the two was that Angel's bacon was protruding from the side of the bun, mine wasn't.  I was a little disappointed, they'd got my order wrong. However, if you are going to get an order wrong, adding bacon where none was asked for is certainly the better direction to go. As you, my loyal fans know, I am not bacon-averse at all. So I did not report the egregious infraction, I just chalked it up to fate.
Later I did some research. On the DQ website I found that I had NOT been given the wrong burger. Compare the actual descriptions and photos from the DQ site:

(Photos and descriptions below are taken directly from http://www.dairyqueen.com/us-en/Menu/Food/

Grillburger with cheese

One ¼ lb.* 100% beef burger topped with melted cheese, crispy bacon, thick-cut tomato, fresh green leaf lettuce, pickles, onions, ketchup and mayo served on a warm toasted bun.

Bacon Cheese Grillburger

One ¼ lb.* 100% beef burger topped with melted cheese, crispy bacon, thick-cut tomato, fresh green leaf lettuce, pickles, onions, ketchup and mayo served on a warm toasted bun.

This seemed bizarre to me. Why was there bacon on a burger that didn't mention bacon in its name and also did not show it in the official photo of the burger?
So, risking going all Woodward and Bernstein, I felt I needed to investigate this curiosity. So I called DQ headquarters and was told by a pleasant sounding machine that I was calling outside normal business hours. The machine did give me a toll-free number to call. So I did.
'Nick' answered and I told him that I was curious about the difference between the two burgers. He put me on hold while he consulted his 'knowledge base'. Apparently my call was very important to them, they even said so.
"The only difference is the bacon." he said.
"Not according to the descriptions listed on the web site." I replied, backing him into a corner.
A long pause. "Hmmm., I see." He answered.
"There's bacon on both." I accused.
"That may vary according to franchise." He tried.
"But it's on the DQ corporate web site." I countered.
"I don't know why that is." Nick sounded frustrated.
I let him off the hook telling him I had no actual complaint, that I was simply curious. I could tell I had all the information he could give me without management involvement. I'll send a corporate query later.
Digging further into the posted nutrition information I noticed that the 'bacon' named burger actually had more calories, more calories from fat, etc, as one might expect form a bacon burger vs.one not so named. But not by much. I came to the conclusion that the actual difference was only the amount of bacon.

Flamethrower Chicken

Back to the meal.
I  was a little disappointed with the number of onion rings, it seemed kind of stingy. I hadn't super-sized though, if such a thing even exists at DQ, so once again I just let it go. Adam's Flamethrower looked exactly like a chicken patty sandwich, though he said it indeed had some heat. "One of my favorite fast-food chicken sandwiches." He said. He'd had them before.
This started a discussion of fast food burger joints, and we came up with a list that we all pretty much agreed with. Our favorites, from most to least are:
Jack in the Box
Hardees
McDonalds
Dairy Queen
Wendy's
Burger King
Almost anything else actually somewhat edible including road kill, tree bark and rotting algae.
White Castle

Personally, I'd put Hardees as number one, their Frisco burger is my all time favorite among the listed chains and their breakfast biscuits are awesome. I'd also drop McD's below DQ and Wendy's, simply because I dislike McD's for philosophical, moral and ethical reasons. Angel pointed out that their fries are superior, I couldn't disagree.
But we all agreed that Dairy Queen was not among the top favorites on anyone's list.
I thought about it and concluded that DQ's burgers NEED bacon to give them flavor, the blend of beef by itself is flat, and tasteless.
Summary:
I didn't quite finish my burger, more because of the bloating nature of the Pepsi than anything else. However it still wasn't anything to write home about. If you compare the 'official' photos to the 'actual' you will see that the firm, bright and perky official photo hardly resembles the real deal. In fact the burger I got was rather flaccid, damp and puny. Angel did like the fries at this place better than those in Hillsboro though, speaking of flaccid. She and Adam had lunched there earlier in the week, another reason for driving ten extra miles this trip, and had already mentioned her ongoing disappointment  with Hillsboro's under-cooked fries.
The tab came to pocket change over twenty dollars. The store was quite clean, we even witnessed a young lady sweeping the floors twice while we were there.
All in all, not a really bad experience and DQ is rightfully famous for its ice cream treats, not its burgers, but if they want to compete with the others in that arena, they are going to have to up their game quite a bit.
As for the bacon thing, I'll do some more investigating. There's something going on here and I will not sleep until I get to the bottom of it.

The Courthouse Grill

250 1st Street
Hillsboro, Mo.

 We've been waiting for quite a while for this place to open up. We pass by this spot several times a week as it sits right in the middle of town. Finally this past week Angel and Adam saw people actually dining there.

I looked them up online to find out about hours, meal choices, etc. Nada. 

No web site, no Facebook page, nothing. Some of the auto-populating directories had a phone number and street address, and nothing else, so Friday night I called and was told the hours were Tuesday through Saturday 10 A.M until 10 P.M. Good enough.

The Place:

As I said we’d been watching. Weeks, maybe even a couple of months of construction. This appeared to be a complete renovation off the old building just of the main drag, across from the courthouse. It has its own designated parking area, a necessity being that close to the county court. Downtown parking is, like every other county seat, tricky during weekdays.

We parked and stepped right in, passing by the patio and the half dozen or so patrons seated there. Though the temperature was pleasant enough, the skies were clouding up and the breeze was a little gusty. That and the fact that we don’t especially like eating outdoors made the decision to dine inside rather easy.

We stepped in, the place was much bigger on the inside than any of us expected. There was plenty of available seating in the longer than wide dining area.  We glanced around and saw no obvious hostess, no one coming toward us. From the back a young lady finally emerged and advised us to sit anywhere we liked.

We picked a spot near the front, by the window. It afforded a view of the entire place.

The young lady handed us menus and wrote down our drink order, Pepsi, Diet Pepsi and unsweetened tea. 

About three minutes later another lady stopped by and offered to take our drink orders. We told her that it had already been taken and she asked by whom. “A younger lady” was all I could come up with and that didn’t help much since there were three or more younger lady waitresses scattered about. She said she’d figure it out.

The drinks did arrive, all in St. Louis Rams beer glasses.

St. Louis has a professional football team called the Rams. I don’t hear much about it since A. I’m not into football, and B. The Rams belong in Los Angeles as God intended. I blame the Arizona Cardinals football team for this mess. St. Louis is very much a baseball town, overwhelmingly so. Football, eh, not so much.

The place looked new. The mostly undecorated walls were painted a curious shade of light green that I can only describe as ‘pickle juice’. The only things on those walls were four or five beer signs, all touting  Anheuser-Busch-Inbev products, don’t get me started on that crime. In the back, over the bar was a large TV tuned in to a baseball game. Also over the bar there was one more AB/Inbev related neon sign.

The carpet was industrial and unnoticeably brown on lighter brown. The tables and chairs were noticeable, new, dark wood and modern.

All in all it was fresh, clean and modern. Sparse maybe, but not barren-sparse, more Scandinavian sparse.

The Food.

The menus were also fresh, clean and uncluttered, Burgers, sandwiches, specialties, seafood and steaks. Classic American cuisine.

Some of the burgers and sandwiches had court-related names like The Defender, The Judge and The Prosecutor. Cute. I was tempted by the simple BLT but decided to forgo my intuition and appetite and to instead try what I assumed to be a signature dish, the Courthouse Burger. They offered two different kinds of fries, shoestring and steak. My preference is somewhere in between, but I asked for the shoestring.

Adam asked for the Defender, a hand-cut ribeye steak served on grilled Texas toast. He asked for the steak fries, I was glad, I wanted to compare them against mine.

Cheese, bacon, mushrooms and grilled onions are considered options here. At one dollar per. I added cheddar cheese to mine and the waitress worked to up-sell the onions or mushrooms. I told her I might want the onions but the dollar would come out of her tip. She grinned and shrugged her shoulders, "Fine with me” she said.

Angel asked for the Gulf Shrimp Scampi and two sides, a baked potato and vegetables. Today’s veggie was ‘a medley’ according to the waitress, it sounded like Veg-All to me.

I noticed that the waitress wrote none of this down. As I’ve said before, this is a neat trick if you can pull it off 100% of the time, error free. Otherwise its just a stupid, pointless trick that is more nuisance than impressive. I’ve never been annoyed by a waitress writing down details of an order. I have been annoyed, more often than not, when they get something this simple, wrong.

The Defender

But we’d wait and see. And wait we did. The place was busy, busier than I could figure out a reason for it to be that busy. Hillsboro has a population of only sixteen hundred or so, and this was certainly a local-centric place being located behind the courthouse. It was Saturday evening, no court, no county business at all, even the nearby county jail wasn’t doing a booming business (yet). The patrons seemed local-like, no suits, mostly jeans and boots. Several young cowboy types including two rather large groups. Tight jeans, snakeskin boots, camouflage ball caps, Skoal rings in the hip pockets. I was trying to figure out what the draw to a brand new place was until one of the cowboys answered his country-music ring-toned phone. After the initial hello’s he said “We’re up here in Hillsboro.”

That told me a lot. He and his gang were not locals at all, they were in from the southern, more rural parts of the county, thus the ’up here in Hillsboro.’ I suspected there might be an event at the fairgrounds or something like that.*

I watched, waited, Adam and Angel poked at their phones.

Our drinks needed refills before the food ever arrived. The wait wasn’t terrible but it was noticeable. The waitresses appeared to be in a rush, dashing about more with  hurry than efficiency.  Several other patrons arrived and were told to sit wherever they liked. This would be a problem later. I’ll explain when I get to the sermon portion of this review.

Gulf Shrimp Scampi

The food did arrive, and it looked good. Filled plates, sizzling meat, melting cheese. I had enough grilled onions to choke a unicorn, they were piled high on the burger and falling off the sides. There was a pale tomato slice, some slightly wilted lettuce and an entire slice of raw onion on the side  The fries were not exactly what I would call ‘shoestring’ but they looked toasty and crispy. Also on the plate was a large dill wedge. The bun was obviously not a grocery store generic bun. I appreciated the touch. Adam’s Texas toast looked very good, and Angel’s plate certainly seemed colorful. The waitress stepped away quickly and I noticed as I was photographing the plates, Adam’s first, he’s the most impatient about that sort of thing, that his fries were the same size as mine. The waitress had gotten the order wrong, so much for the ‘I can remember all this without writing it down’ party trick. Fail.

Adam wasn’t too concerned about it so we didn’t ask for a correction.

We dug in after the waitress returned with some ketchup and cocktail sauce. She asked if I’d like mustard. Duh. It’s a burger. “Yes Please.” is how it actually came out of my mouth.

The burger was quite good, cheesy, smoky, just enough char. The fries were nice, but it kind of seemed they were pulled from the bottom of the bag, more ends and short pieces than whole strips.

The Courthouse burger

Adam struggled with his ribeye, pulling globs of chewy fat out of it, one glob about half the size of the steak.

Angel handed me a shrimp, I tried it. It seemed a bit overcooked, rubbery, but the taste was dead-on scampi.

I asked her about the veggies. They looked kind of pale, limp and lifeless to me, almost . . . “Frozen” Angel said, interrupting my train of thought. Yeah, that was it, they looked frozen.

Don’t take this all the wrong way, as far as food goes it was all pretty good. Not great, but good enough to go back for and maybe try something else. They’ve got good recipes, the tastes were there, with a little fine tuning and fresher/better quality ingredients the problems can all be fixed easily enough. But then there’s. . .

The Service:

First off, this place is brand new. I always cut some slack for new places as it takes time for the staff to find its rhythm and timing. So my sermon here should not be taken as harsh criticism, but rather as constructive comments since I want this place to do well. Hillsboro needs a place just like this.

I mentioned earlier the ‘seat yourself’ policy. Epic fail. (we debated over the modifier ‘epic’ and I won with this one bit of observation:

An elderly couple came in and found a seat, not too far from the front door. I’d noticed them out of the corner of my eye for no real reason other than they were taking up space in the corner of my eye. Nicely dressed, quiet, peaceful folk, not at all like the cowboys and their halter-topped lady friends.  Several minutes later, maybe ten or fifteen, I noticed movement in that same eye corner. It was the old couple leaving. I noticed their table had no plates, glasses or even menus. They’d gone completely unnoticed by the wait staff. That’s an epic fail.  Lost business, lost positive word of mouth. Ouch. I’m as laissez faire as the next guy, but this free-range seating policy means customers will slip through the cracks. It is actually counter-productive and counter-profit. The solution is simple. Either assign a hostess to seat people so they get immediate welcome and attention, or failing that, assign a floor supervisor/expediter whose primary job it is to keep an eye peeled on the entire dining area to look for things like impatience, empty glasses, etc. This is how every other restaurant in the world handles front-of-the-house service.  Someone needs to keep an eye open, a designated person, not just the waitresses, they’re busy enough with their own table issues. Someone like, I don’t know, maybe the lady behind the bar that watched the couple leave. She noticed them as they left, I could tell.

This ‘seat yourself’ policy also meant lopsided service areas for the waitresses. Most people don’t really have a firm seating preference, they’ll go where you take them. This allows balance in the dining area, waitresses given grids, specific areas to serve on a balanced, level playing field.  This also explains the issue with twice being asked for our drink order, inefficiency, counter-productivity, disorganization. Not very professional. But so easily fixed. It’s a new place, when we go back in a couple of months we will be looking for this to have been resolved. Seat yourself works in a tiny, ten table diner, not in a full-floor dining area. Also, make the wait staff writes down orders, nobody minds this, but they do mind when their order gets screwed up.

Now the food. Like I said it was pretty good and the problems are easily enough resolved. Trim the excess fat off of steaks, even steak sandwiches. It was simply gross. “Not very satisfying” Is how Adam put it. And seriously guys, the vegetable of the day was frozen? Really? There ought to be a law.

Summary:

Once again this is a brand new place. The food was for the most part good, the selections were attractive and in theory all good ideas. This is not a greasy spoon nor fast food joint, it is expected that the food will be of better quality than those places. It is expected that the service as well will be better. All this place needs to do is fix these little problems and this could be upgraded to a very good place rather quickly.

The bill came to a respectable thirty six dollars and change, including the dollar for the two cents worth of grilled onions. Though not as expensive as some franchise sports bars, or even Munzert’s right up the road, this is about fifty percent more than a diner or fast food place. For this extra cost the service and food quality needs to make it seem worth it.

They’re off to a good start, you’ve got a great location and the city needs a place just like this, but it will not suffer bad service for very long.

___________________

*As it turned out there was a tractor pull at the fairgrounds. This explained the unexpected busyness of the restaurants, the traffic jam on main street, and the much greater than normal number of big, black-smoke-belching diesel pickup trucks in town. Yee- haw.

Hardees

10610 Highway 21
(Main Street)
Hillsboro, Mo.
http://www.hardees.com/

This choice led to a heated discussion. While true that we had never reviewed Hardee's, any Hardee's, this was seen by some in the family as a cop-out. Not because we don't like the chain, but because we do.
Since we moved to Hillsboro we, or at least I, have been there lots of times. It is the closest fast food chain to our house, right at the corner of 21 and BB. It's terribly convenient. PLUS they have a great breakfast selection and serve some pretty decent coffee.
It's not unusual for me to stop in once or twice per month on my way to a meeting or other errands  and ask for a 'number three with coffee', a sausage biscuit with tater rounds.
If I have time I'll take my book in with me, find a spot away from the overhead TV's and enjoy a few minutes of gastronomic and literary joy.
I assured Angel that it wasn't a cop-out at all, that even though we may already have a bias, that we were professionals and could be expected to remain completely objective.
The Place:
Like I said, very, very convenient less than ten minutes from my driveway. It's a busy intersection sitting right above the various county government offices and courthouse. It looks like every other Hardee's in the country. The St. Louis based CKE corporation (it also owns Carl's Jr.) boasts a couple of thousand of Hardee's locations in 42 states, with it's niche being locations in areas and towns too small to support other chains. It's kind of fast-food plastic-y inside, but no more so than the others.
The Food:
Getting the family to decide what to order was a painful process. Due to a fast-moving and rather significant thunderstorm we were without internet service for a few minutes, so we had to rely on memory as to what they had. We would be eating at home, I was for the second week in a row going to be the fetcher. I knew what I wanted, I'd been salivating about it for a few days.
Angel didn't want a burger and fries, Adam couldn't recall what different burgers they had. "Something with bacon." Is about all I had to go on for the boy.
From Angel: "Chicken tenders, but as I recall they don't put many in an order, so two orders if they seem small."
I did get them to agree unanimously on curly fries, if such a thing did exist.

Chicken Tenders

"And a sweet tea, no ice." Angel added. I started writing it all down at this point.
It was still raining a little as I left, though the clouds were breaking up and the sun was peeking through brightly, low in the west. By the time I got to the Dollar General for my first stop, the wipers were no longer required. I picked up a 2-liter Pepsi and a few other small items and within minutes was looping back to Hardee's. I went in and found it all but empty. The place is pretty busy on Saturday mornings, but I wasn't sure how well it fared during the early evening, this might be normal, but I also thought maybe most other people were making plans for St. Patrick's day, a Holiday that we traditionally don't give any notice to. Not that we have issues with the Irish in particular, it's more a practical thing. We barely celebrate the big holidays, so in our home St. Pat's is relegated to the same yawn-status as  Guy Fawkes Day (Nov 5), Maritime day (May 5), Paul Bunyan Day (Jun 28), and even Amelia Earhart Day (Jan 11).
Sorry if this offends, but we just don't have enough 'celebrate' in us to cover them all sufficiently.
I stepped up to the counter and was immediately asked for my order from a headphone-clad young lady. I asked about curly fries and was told that they indeed served them. I read off the rest of the order, all ala-carte, no combos. Two medium drinks, three curly fries, a Frisco thick burger (mine) a 1/3 lb. cheeseburger (no tomatoes or onions) for Adam. The chicken tenders were available in sets of three or five. I had to ponder this for a minute, was three too few or was five too few? I asked for two three's only eventually realizing that one five was just one less tender than the total I was getting, but whatever, I was in no mood for complex math. Then the girl/lady/chick asked me about dipping sauces, I didn't have a clue and apparently it registered on my facial expression. "I'll drop in one of each." She said. A real pro, I respect that.
She handed me a card with a number on it as well as two medium cups. I filled them at the drink line, one with  sweet tea and the other with unsweetened tea, no ice. Why pay for ice if you're dining at home?

1/3 lb Cheeseburger

A couple of other people came in and ordered while I was waiting. The drive up window was also creating some activity. I could have gone through thee drive up, but out of force of habit it didn't occur to me that that was actually an option. My old car had defective windows, a feature of 2000 Olds Aleros, puny, fragile window motors. So for a couple of years I was unable to avail myself to drive-through windows of any kind. I've only been through a drive through a couple of times since I replaced the car, it just rarely occurs to me that I can.
As I waited I decided to look around the dining area. A few weeks ago I'd noticed that at Jack-in-the Box, the table and floors where littered with crumbs and wrappers. Not here though, the tables had been cleaned and the floor swept and mopped. Kudos.
This Hardee's is not the fastest of fast-food joints. They don't keep a pile of pre-made burgers and fries under a heat lamp. I don't see that as a negative. Hillsboro is not a town where 'hurry' is such a high priority anyhow. Being the county seat things tend move at a slower pace then they do in more cosmopolitan/metropolitan areas such as DeSoto and Festus.
I went ahead and took the two teas out to the car so I wouldn't have to carry them and the bags of food all at the same time. I did wish I had my book on me.

Frisco Thickburger

It was probably only five to ten minutes, which at any other restaurant would not seem like a long time, so all things being relative, the wait was expected, normal and not so bad.
Finally they called me over and handed me the big bag.
Once home, I set it all out, primarily to see if I'd received everything I ordered. This is an issue at all fast food places, in fact this Hardee's a few years ago was a known sinner. It's been a long time  since I recall being short-sheeted there though. They got it all right this time.
I did my photo-session thing again as Adam stood impatiently behind me.
As is our custom, I sat down at the dining room table and cracked open my book, Angel and Adam stretched out in the living room watching cartoons or something. Don't judge us, it's just how we roll. During the week they eat earlier than me to fit in with the dog/school schedule and I eat when I get home, alone, using the time to relax a little. We run a business out of the house, Angel is very busy most days, especially in the spring. She has to fit things around a pretty strict schedule that the living breathing, panting clients require. She stays busy until last pee (theirs, not hers), around nine P.M. That's when we get together and catch each other up on the day.
Summary:
I've said this before, Hardee's has toppled Burger King* as my favorite of the top five fast-food burger franchises. The Frisco burger is always good, the sourdough bread makes it just that much better. The fries, this time curly, were done pretty well. We all finished up, Angel only left a nugget or two which she would surely get to later.
There was simply nothing bad to say. Unlike Burger King which had several shoulder shrugs and screwed up faces, this food, for fast food, was pretty darn tasty. The tea, not so much.
The tab came to a reasonable twenty five dollars and change, about typical for fast food.
Bottom line, this was about as good as fast food burgers get. My number one of the big five.

________________________
In related news, Wendy's has toppled Burger King for the number two spot in sales behind McDonalds for fast food hamburgers. I told you things were declining at the King!

Rich’s Frozen Custard & Diner

144 7th St
Hillsboro, MO 63050

My choice, we should have gone sooner being as it is one of the few eateries in Hillsboro. For most of that time I wasn’t aware of it at all, then, seeing the bold signage, assumed it was an ice cream joint. I only recently discovered that it was more. Much like Ginny’s from a few weeks ago, it serves frozen treats AND it makes burgers and sandwiches. 

It was a surprise to note that it was located on 7^th street, I wasn’t aware that Hillsboro had that many streets, I’m still not convinced. I could see it from highway 21 though, so it didn’t really matter which street it was actually on.

The Place:

We think it used to be a hardware store. The building has two levels, the lower of which houses an auto parts place. We entered the upper level, and found ourselves in a bright, clean, high ceilinged dining area. There was much more room than the dozen or so tables took up, and with the high ceiling made it feel a little odd, like those enormous handicap-accessible stalls in public restrooms. It was very echo-y. On the walls were canvases with patterned paintings, a style with which I wasn’t familiar. The walls were painted, a blue and orange sherbet theme. The tile floor was white and the place lit up pretty bright.

The tables and chairs were mostly wood, in two or more styles and shades. There was one larger table surrounded by low-end metal chairs.

All the extra space in the room took away any notion of coziness, it felt more like a church basement than an eatery.

A large menu hung on the wall, two actually. One listed the frozen treats, the other, the meal offerings.  Behind the counter stood various ice cream machines and dispensers, out of sight was the grill. We read over the offerings and stepped up to order.  I called mine out first as Angel, ahead of me at the counter, had stalled out and was apparently changing her mind.

The Food:

I asked for the bacon-cheddar double burger, with fries and tea. Behind the lady at the counter was a tall dispenser bearing the name ‘Luzianne’. I was optimistic about this place already. Angel finally sorted herself out and asked for the special, a cod sandwich with fries and a Diet Coke. Adam chose the crispy chicken sandwich, fries, and a Coke. Our drinks were served in Styrofoam cups, I took this to mean that Rich’s was not a friend of the planet.

We took seats among the half dozen or so other patrons. Angel and Adam pulled out their cell phones. Angel was banking or checking emails and Adam was playing some sort of game. I took out my phone and slid my finger across the screen a few times, Adam told me to stop it.

You see I don’t have a touch screen on my phone, or any entertainment apps, or a data plan, it’s a telephone. I can and do take lousy pictures with it, but I’m not interested or heavily invested in mobile technology. I don’t even like talking on a phone.

The wait for the food was a bit longer than seemed necessary, though I didn’t actually time it. The tea was quite good though.

They finally brought it out, everything served in plastic baskets. The fries were crinkle-style, more points for that. There was no lettuce, tomato or onion on my burger, just the meat and melted cheese. I couldn’t recall if LTO were even an option. Standard mustard and ketchup bottles were already on the table. I shook up the mustard to avoid the musquirt. (That clear-ish liquid that comes out ahead of the mustard from a squeeze bottle. ‘Musquirt’ is an official sniglet.)  I did the same with the ketchup, even though there is no name for that.

The burger was rough edged, like at Ginny’s, indicative of having once been in a ball then flattened on the grill with a spatula. Angel’s cod turned out to be a standard-issue fish patty, square and slightly smaller than the bun. She assembled everything and finally bit in, I was getting anxious to deliver the comedy I’d been working on.

She seemed satisfied, so I asked her how it was. “Pretty good.” She said. I was ready, I made sure Adam was listening as well. In family comedy, timing is everything.

“So, can I have a taste of your cod-piece?” I delivered in a professional deadpan. Adam choked a snicker, she just looked at me like she does when she thinks I’ve said something hilarious and clever, though it’s the same look she gives me when I gravely disappoint her.

The fries were good, the burger was too, but a little on the dry side. A tomato slice would have made it better.

The buns became a matter of discussion. They were more dense and heavier than store-bought generic buns, I didn’t mind it at all but Angel wasn’t real happy about it. Part of the problem being that the bun was bigger than the fish. She even went so far as to blaspheme: “I prefer McDonalds’ fish sandwich.”

As for Adam’s Chicken: “It was good.”  I didn’t have a crowbar handy to pry out more detail, so that’s all he offered about the meal.

It didn’t take long to eat everything, at least for Angel and Adam. They were not encumbered with the task of taking notes, pictures and creating top-notch comedy on the fly. The meals were not heavy, so I knew they would be getting ice cream.

At least Angel did, Adam wasn’t in the mood.

She ordered a 'JL Werner'. Vanilla Ice cream, a banana, chocolate syrup and whipped cream. I asked her to find out who ‘J.L. Werner' was.  She was reluctant at first, she doesn’t like striking up casual conversations with strangers any more than I do. I heard her ask though, hard to miss since the acoustics of the place are like those of an empty gymnasium. The lady behind the counter said she had no idea. Poor staff training. For all I know, J.L. Werner is a serial thug of some kind. I wouldn’t want to eat something named after a creep or felon.

She ate her treat out of the Styrofoam, earth-hating bowl, and seemed to enjoy it, even though the inevitable desperate chill set in about halfway through.  Angel's a bit of a reptile when it comes to body temperature regulation..

Summary:

Well, it was okay. It certainly wasn’t bad. It was however, a bit lacking. The ambiance was off, as I’ve mentioned. That big, wide, near-empty space made it a bit uninviting and public. The food was okay, but lacked zing. The buns were perhaps a bit too heavy, at least for the small fish portion, and the burger was on the dry side. The bill came to twenty five and change  and a couple bucks more for the ice cream, comparable to Ginny’s.

A couple of things will make me go back though. Primarily location, location, location. That and fact that Rich’s offers free Wi-Fi. That means if on a Saturday I need to download something large, I can just pop in there, eat me a burger and have some tea without having to go to Festus, or the McDonalds in Hillsboro.  At home, our internet comes from outer space via satellite technology and is limited to a puny amount of megabytes per day with a significant penalty for going over that limit. So occasionally, for software updates and actual interesting media downloads, I usually take my netbook to a library. Libraries don’t serve burgers, even slightly dry ones, or Luzianne tea.

I like everything at Ginny’s better, but it’s about fifteen more miles or so up the road, and I’m not even sure Ginny has Wi-Fi.

Afterward we drove over to the NEW Dollar General location. The biggest department store in Hillsboro just got bigger. We stopped in an bought some snacks and a small Christmas tree. One of those new-fangled ones that already has lights on it. Angel wouldn't let me buy a karaoke machine though.

Bobby Munzert’s

Hillsboro, MO

http://www.bobbymunzerts.com/

A rare Sunday dinner. We usually go out on Saturday, but couldn’t because of my ride-along with the Sheriff’s department. Angel pimped homeless doggies at Petsmart on Sunday and got home just in time to feed our own flock, clean up and head out with us. It was her week to choose. She said she did not want to experiment, she was too hungry. She wanted to go somewhere close that she knew she could get a good meal. That should tell you something about Munzert’s.   

The Place:

It hadn’t changed much since our last visit. The door opened into the center, smoking section on the left, second-hand smoking on the right. The low October sun shined into the doorway lighting up the haze inside. We were immediately greeted and seated in a booth under a large black and white poster of Audrey Hepburn. There’s lots of pictures of famous dead people in the restaurant. The booth behind us was under one of Marylyn Monroe, who was famous for dying famously. I hear she was found naked, by that I mean without clothing, an apparent suicide. I’ve never been able to figure that out, why so many women, especially famous women, get naked to kill themselves. I think I’d rather be wearing something loose, warm and comfortable, but that’s just me, I don’t exactly have a million-dollar body. I wonder if Mama Cass was found nude? (Actually she did NOT gag on a sandwich, she suffered a heart attack, but still. . .)

Anyway, the place was, as I said, a bit smoky. It was also about half full. There were a couple of TV sets fired up, noisily blasting a baseball game throughout the joint. Some sort of playoff I was able to determine, though I was soon able to ignore it completely.

  Once we were seated the hostess told us that our waitress would be with us shortly, so we casually scanned the menu. The waitress brought us our drinks, tea, sweet tea and Coke/Pepsi, as before served in heavy, stemmed glasses. We decided on an appetizer, teriyaki wings, and placed our order. I decided to have a bacon cheeseburger, and German fries. Angel asked for the fried chicken special with mashed potatoes and green beans, the meal also came with a salad, Angel asked for the Caesar.  Adam opted for the bacon-ranch chicken sandwich and steak fries.  

The waitress was rather busy, busing, taking orders, delivering orders at all the tables in the room. She was the only waitress we saw in the area the whole time we were there.

I sat and stared at the thin rolling haze, illuminated by the sunlight, which also highlighted a thick area of dusty footprints in the entry. This was probably dust from the huge construction site across the road. There’s a very large shopping center going up, construction has been underway since spring. We know the town’s premier department store, Dollar General, is moving and expanding to the new center, we’re not sure what else is planned, though we are genuinely excited about a bigger Dollar General.

The Food:

The appetizer arrived, chicken wings, breaded, fried, then coated with dark, sweet caramelized teriyaki sauce. I don’t usually order wings, except at Hooters. Not that theirs are any good at all, they’re not, it’s just that they are served by young, scantily clad, flirtatious women with prominent breasts. How can you NOT like that?

These were not hot-wings though. Instead they were almost, but not quite sweet, the sauce had been cooked on and the effect was a marvelous crunch on the outside, and tender and moist meat on the inside. They were also quite messy, which, like at Hooter’s is part of the fun. I had two, Angel three, Adam two or three. This left a couple that we would eventually box up and take home.

Angel’s salad arrived, with a roll that she didn’t really want. Adam and I both turned it down as well since we were getting sandwiches. The roll went into the wing-basket. Angel’s salad was small, saucer sized, which for us is optimal. Enough to sate an urgent hunger, but not enough to fill anyone up.

Service was not quick, due primarily to the one-person floor staff being so busy running from table to table. But even with that the wait was not extreme, the main event soon arrived.

Bacon Cheeseburger with German fries

Bobby’s burgers are great. He uses Grade A Angus beef. Angus is a breed of cattle, not a specific body part, so please, no childish jokes about the word ‘Angus’. The Angus breed was created in Scotland in the early 1800’s and remains highly favored because it is naturally polled (which means hornless. Horny cattle can easily and stupidly, savagely injure each other, which is not profitable, so less-horny cattle are more desirable to many ranchers.) They are either solid black or red (the cattle, not the ranchers), with the black being preferred in the U.S.. I don’t know exactly why American’s prefer the black, that seems historically contradictory, but the only other option was red, and history doesn’t exactly show an American affinity for that flesh-tone either.

All I know is this, Angus is mighty tasty. Bobby’s Angus seems leaner than most places that prefer an 80/20 lean/fat ratio. But the meat was thick, tasty, tender and perfectly cooked. I piled onions, lettuce, pickles and tomato on mine. No ketchup or mustard, it just didn’t need any. The German fries are a new favorite of mine. 1/8 inch thin slices of actual potatoes, pan fried to crispness alongside a pile of onions. When served the chopped onion is almost cremated, caramelized and smoky. The potatoes are perfectly crunchy on the outside . . .

Angel’s chicken was cut just like that I had at Kim’s a few weeks back. Four pieces, leg, thigh, breast and head….. Just kidding! It was a leg, thigh, breast and wing. Lightly breaded, very, very hot. Among us, there was not a thing we didn’t love. Angel was absolutely correct in her prediction, Munzert’s always serves good food.

Summary:

The bill came to thirty seven dollars, less than I had expected. In fact it was a pretty good price for so much food. So much food that none of us finished. All three of us requested a box. I had half a burger left and a third of my German fries, Angel still had a large, untouched breast (I was going to put something really funny here, but decided against it.) and half a thigh. Adam was about halfway through his sandwich and fries as well, though he only boxed the sandwich, something about thick steak fries going limp when microwaved. The waitress had offered dessert, which we once again had to turn down.

Other than the light staffing, I have nothing at all negative at all to say about the meal. It was all properly prepared, tasty, and generous. The waitress was friendly and professional, no mistakes.

There’s a reason Angel chose this place when she wanted a certain excellent meal, Munzert’s delivers.

Memorial Weekend

Fooled you! We didn’t eat out at all this past weekend. Which is not to say we didn’t eat well. I fired up the grill. New to us last year the charcoal burner is a Kingsford Model CBC1030W, 395 square inch, 23 burger capacity, with an adjustable charcoal grid. It cost me about $70 and has proven quite reliable and durable.

The Place:

The bottom of a four hundred foot paved driveway, just outside the attached garage of our modest and comfortable home a few miles from Hillsboro. From this spot I can watch the dogs in the back yard while listening to all things being considered on the old garage/workshop radio.

Instructions:

Using a steel brush, scrape the crusty, carcinogenic muck off the grill mesh.

Using the wide paintbrush, sweep the ashes from the last session into the removable ash receptacle.

Slide out the ash container and toss the ashes into the woods (check wind direction first)

Replace the ash can. (important step!)

Drop the charcoal grid back on to the mechanism.

Cover the grid with a two-deep layer of Kingsford Charcoal. Do not use generic or store-brand charcoal.

Douse thoroughly with about a quart of lighter fluid.

Close the lid and step away for five to ten minutes. This will reduce evaporation and allow the fluid to soak in well, avoiding spectacular, fiery explosions.

Let it burn off completely, the charcoal should be mostly white, ash covered.

Put the grill mesh back on, let it heat thoroughly to cook off any other stuck-on grease and food bits.

Within a few minutes the grill is ready for the food. If you are cooking corn, baked beans, onions, etc. in foil pouches they go on first, on the upper shelf.

The Food:

Friday: Chicken thighs

Saturday: Burgers and Brat patties

Sunday: Hot dogs!

All of this takes a little preparation.

Chicken thighs:

For the chicken, several hours prior to cooking: Thaw the thighs. Meanwhile slowly sauté chopped onions, garlic, bell peppers, and a few bits of jalapeno in a very small amount of olive oil. Once the onions have softened, add a cup of margarine or butter into the pan, let It melt but not burn. As soon as it has all melted add a couple of drops of lime juice and a half cup of your favorite boxed chardonnay. Let it simmer, but not boil out.

Put the thighs into a one-gallon freezer bag, then pour the mixture over the thighs. Seal up the bag (remove air first) and knead the package until all the parts are well coated. Drop it into the refrigerator until ready to grill. Don’t worry about the amount of peppers/onions/butter, the flavor transfer is minimal, and most of the fattiness will cook off, this is a subtle taste method. Mostly what you get is moist chicken with a mild, yet sweet and smoky taste. This chicken is rarely dry, even when slightly over-cooked, I think it’s because of the butter/margarine coating.

On the side: Whole kernel corn, drained and folded up in foil with a Tbsp of butter/ margarine. Also good with grilled toast.

As I managed the grill, Angel whipped up some mashed potatoes, right out of the box, just like mom used to make.

The family loves this chicken, it’s even great cold, right out of the leftover plate.

Burgers/Brat patties:

I’d never cooked bratwurst patties, never even heard of them in fact, but what the heck. Angel found them at the store and picked some up along with some Angus patties.

Preparation:

Several hours before grilling, cut off the corner of the plastic covering the brat patties, and insert one bottle of beer. Twist-tie the plastic back up and squeeze the beer around to be sure that all the patties are drowning in the stuff. I picked up a sixer of Sam Adams specifically for this task. Bonus, We got to drink the other five bottles with our grilled meals.

Grilling time:

Just before the grilling, chop up some onions, bell peppers and whatever other toppings you like. Create a foil pouch and add a tsp. of olive oil, seal and put on the grill early. Also, lightly butter up your buns.

I also loaded up two more foil pouches with baked beans, one pouch with onions and peppers and one without, for Adam.

Angel started deep frying some frozen crinkle fries, I didn’t start the grilling process until she was ready to start that, thin meats don’t take long to cook, and our deep-frying pan is small.

The top shelf of the grill is ideal for the buns, but keep an eye on them anyhow. There’s only about a thirty second window between ‘browned’ and ‘cremated’.

The brat patties crusted and darkened nicely, the low-fat Angus patties cooked quickly. I gave the brats a bit more time as they were twice as thick. It only took ten or fifteen minutes for everything to be done, the only thing I added to the patties was a little salt and pepper.

Awesome good! I found the brats a bit fatty, but that’s just their nature. Angel and Adam really enjoyed them though.

Hot dogs!:

Okay this was weird. On Sunday night we were sitting in the living room watching TV. We had earlier been discussing whether or not to eat out for our last day of the 3-day weekend. For some reason I chimed in: “You know what I’d like?”

There was no response, so I added anyhow: “Hot dogs and potato salad.”

They looked at me as if I had grossly disappointed them yet again.

“Seriously, it’s been months, maybe years since I had a hot dog. And I love me some potato salad!”

This was true. Though we always have wieners in the chill box, they are usually fed mostly to the dogs. (they are a great and cheap training treat when chopped up and are ideal for delivering doggie medications. Bailey gets her heavy and large arthritis medication and the occasional anti-depressant in a ‘magic wienie’)

I usually skip over them as a lunch or snack, too fatty. (watching my numbers)

But this was a summer-ish holiday and I wanted potato salad, and hot dogs go good with that.

We were getting ready to watch Iron Chef just as I brought this up.

What? You’ve never heard of . . .

Iron Chef:

Several years ago when the Food Network was just starting up, they aired a Japanese import. ‘Iron Chef’ pitted one of five or six proclaimed master chefs against a challenger. With much color, pomp and drama the show’s host ‘The Chairman’ would introduce the challenger, have him select which Iron Chef he would like to compete against, then announce the nights ‘secret ingredient’ which would serve as the foundation of five dishes each. A panel of celebrity judges (MP’s, singers, fortune tellers) would watch from above ‘Kitchen Stadium’ and at the end sample and judge the food on the basis of originality, plating and taste. Sometimes the challenger would win, but most often not. The show was lots of fun to watch because it was crudely dubbed into English and the secret ingredients were often things completely foreign to the western palette. Fish guts, fish heads, eels, insects, parts of chickens, cattle and pigs that in the U.S. be tossed away or ground into pet food were prepared, in one hour in absolutely beautiful presentations. The judges would fawn (dubbed) over the intricacies of each dish

After the show was cancelled in Japan, and Food Network had shown all the episodes, the show’s cult-like following (which was largely responsible for the early success of the network) wanted more. They got “Iron Chef America”. Same concept, same layout, only with American Iron Chefs including Bobby Flay, Mario Batali, and the almost-certain-loser ‘Cat’ Cora’ among others.

The ‘Chairman’ was by storyline the nephew of the original Japanese overlord, in this new venue played by a guy mostly known for his work in Kung Fu movies.

The ‘secret ingredient’ was more familiar fare but often included high end proteins and rather exotic produce. Not as funny as the original show, but still fun to watch.

At our house we often try to guess or suggest a good secret ingredient, in the past we’ve decided that a real challenge would be something familiar and single note in depth, like lime Jello, Corn Flakes, Spam, crickets, beef jerky, Tootsie Rolls, etc.

It was just before we started watching this night’s episode that Adam tied the two things together. “Hot dogs would be a great secret ingredient.” He flatly stated just as the chairman was hovering over the covered table.

The Chairman: “Today’s Secret ingredient is. . . !” pause, dramatic music, laser lights flickering and sweeping. The steel cover is winched up in a cloud of evaporating dry ice. “Hot Dogs!”

We froze in time and place. In ten years of watching this show we’d never even come close to naming/guessing an actual secret ingredient. It was cosmic, metaphysical. Our jaws as one, dropped to the floor. (as did the jaws of the chefs on TV). Of course the TV dogs were the old fashioned hand-twisted kind. Ours are usually the eighty nine cent per package variety.

Anyway, it was unavoidable, Monday would be hot dogs and potato salad. You just don’t ignore an omen like that.

Preparation:

Potato salad is pretty simple, especially with Adam in the house since he doesn’t care for most reasonable ingredients.

Peel a pile of potatoes, lots of them. Potato salad is fantastic leftover food. Chop up into half-inch or bigger cubes. Boil them until they are just starting to get tender. Not too long or you’ll end up with mush.

Drain, let cool, but not completely. Add mayonnaise (Miracle Whip) and a little mustard and fold/toss, be gentle. Add in some relish and a few tsp’s of pickle juice. This is Adam-friendly as it is. Normal households would add chopped onions, chopped boiled eggs, or other stuff at this point.

Make this far enough ahead that it will be nearly ice-cold by serving time.

Grilling:

Hot dogs don’t need a lot of time/heat on a grill. I only used a single layer of charcoal.

Open, but do not separate the buns. Butter lightly, then when ready to start the hot dogs, butterfly the buns on the upper tier of the grill.

Watch the dogs carefully. Too much heat will scorch the skin before the insides are cooked. Roll them around a bit, it’ll only take a few minutes. Everything else should be set out by the time the dogs go down on the fire.

Toppings: Cheese, mustard, relish, ketchup, bean-less chili, chopped onions, etc.

Great with cold beer (Sam Adams) or Luzianne Ice tea.

This all made for a fantastic gastronomic weekend, better food than we expect mere restaurants to serve up. Fresh, hot off the grill, sides we pick ourselves, all made to order.

I don’t claim to be a master at the grill, but these meals are so simple that even a knuckle dragging non-cook could make this stuff. Just pay attention, take your time, and don’t play with the flames.